Involve Bystanders Whenever Possible, It Distracts From The Real Issues

Richard, the 11 Stepper, sent me an email. Telling me he wanted a bicycle that he had given Paul, and the wedding present that cost him $500 back, because he feels it's "only right". I haven't responded, but only on the advice of my lawyer, who reminded me that the court will be mailing him the final papers this Friday! Thank God! The last time I heard from Richard was when he called me up on October 18, 2007, the day after his birthday, which birthday also happened to be the day that Paul got fired because he went to jail on a DUI, from the job Richard had convinced his own boss to give Paul. I didn't really expect an apology from Richard. But I also did not expect what he did say. The last words I heard Richard say were to the effect of "Of course I feel ^%$*&*&$ responsible!!!! I'M the one who had to pick up all the *(%*%$&$%$ pieces after YOU abandoned him!!!!" I hung up on him then, but had the courtesy to say that was what I was doing first. The balls on this guy! I guess he feels he doesn't have to ever make amends for the terrible things he does in life while NOT on drugs. And that my organizing, and financing, a $30,000 intervention and 90 day rehab program, and arranging plane fare to another state, all by myself, in under 14 days, all while waiting to find out if my embryo transplant had taken, was "abandonment". Maybe Richard's just angry that no-one ever did that for him. Well, Paul's family certainly never did that for Paul in the 45 years they watched him go down - but I did. Maybe he's angry because he thought that I would continue to pick up the pieces for Paul for the rest of my life, and now he feels responsible. He should realize he makes his own choices. Maybe I should write back and tell him I feel it's "only right" that he send me a $15,000 check for his half of "picking up the pieces". And that since I'm feeling generous, he can deduct the $200 I gave him as a wedding present, since I don't ask people to return gifts I freely gave. I can only assume that Paul has pissed him off again, and that is why he is trying to take it out on me. That's a family trait of theirs. When in pain, assuage it by inflicting pain on someone else, preferably not the one who caused the pain in the first place. Involve bystanders whenever possible, it distracts from the real issues.
Richard, before the intervention, said that Paul didn't need a 90 day program. And when Paul quit after 28 days, it was me who stuck to my guns. Paul broke the deal, so he didn't get to move back in with me. Yet Richard gave him a place to live, and a job. The chronic enabler. And he thought there was something wrong with me that I didn't just open up the door to Paul and say "all's forgiven". But Richard blamed me when Paul proved he had not changed with the DUI. When Richard told me after the intervention, quote, "Don't worry about Jimmy. I'll get that car back for you" he was lying to my face. Later, after I had to call the State Police and report the car stolen, Richard yelled at me that I had no right. That the car was Jimmy's and that Richard had loaned him the money to get it! Jimmy, for those of you who don't know, is the ex-felon brother who did over two years for multiple DUIs, who has no driver's license, drinks more than any of them and smokes crack(probably while driving too). And it turns out has had a warrant out on him since before my wedding. More enabling on Richard's part. Yet he thinks he's a pillar of proper living. More like a pillar of salt. Let's give cash to a chronic drunk drug addict so he can drive around all fucked up and kill someone. But I was out of line to do whatever I had to do to get the car out of Paul's name and off my car insurance. If it was no big deal, why didn't RICHARD put the damn car in his name? And on HIS insurance? Easier to just call me the cause of all evil, I guess.
When, and if, I do respond, I will take a page from their family trait book, and be BCC-ing a copy to Richard's wife. Involving bystanders. It's always better to see the truth sooner as as opposed to later.

Such turmoil just for a crap-shoot on me

I still have trouble not being angry at him. Or disappointed that he hasn't "stepped up" and tried to make something of himself. I wonder how much of this is my wanting the impossible, and how much is based on how much I did care for him. Probably a mixture of both. Sick, I know. But I just can't turn off the feelings. I still find myself hoping/missing my husband and the future we could have had. I find myself reading about car accidents, or arrests in the paper, and wondering what he had to do with it. At the same time I keep hoping he's found something bigger than himself that humbles him. Something that will remind him, daily, of what joy a simple life can really bring. Then I remember who I'm thinking about, and I realize it was, and is, a pipe dream. It's just such a shame. Wasted potential always is.

I've been doing better for me, all in all. I've been tackling a lot of the projects that were put on the back burner while he was in my life. And it does feel good to accomplish them. I just wish he hadn't been so good at times. It would make my recovery so much easier. I have realized that I'm now gun-shy. I was out one night, socializing and having fun, and then one of the men I had been chatting with asked me out. I believe the look of fear that washed over me must have been palpable. Poor guy. Not his fault - but then I practically (and literally) ran away in fear. So I guess I have a long way to go before I "get out there" again. Which I continually force myself to do. Because when I'm not being social I find myself imagining his salvation (again), and if my getting a second mortgage to send him to rehab wasn't enough of a kick in the ass to turn him around, then there's nothing anyone can do for him. Can you imagine? I've never had anyone put their life in such turmoil just for a crap-shoot on me. And I'd like to think that I'd have the presence of mind to realize it if someone did.

I don't want to socialize with my neighbors, since they all knew him. Both here, and at the beach. Thankfully most don't have the balls to out-right ask. But some have their 10-year-old daughters ask for them. Which is sadder? Paul's present whirlpool of a life, or their gossip-centric future life? Of course, most likely they don't give a hoot at all, and it's just me dealing with overcoming my inadequacy problems. But I still can't stop hoping that he'll show up and really have turned around. Which wish is absurd, in and of itself, because I could never believe him. Granting the clean slate from me is something that must be earned after long hard days of toiling now! Well, off now to do some more toiling on me.............

Memories that never happened

I have to keep reminding myself that what I think I "miss" actually was never there in the first place. It doesn't happen that often now, but I still catch myself "missing" having a husband around to "look after me" or some such. Then I suddenly remember that I never really had any of those things I think I'm missing, and that somehow, just by my wanting them in my marriage and not getting them, makes me feel that loss as real. Actuality is, it is a loss of having someone concrete you can invest those "someone to look after me" feelings on, and with their loss ,the simple security of having those dreams is gone. (for now)

I know this, yet keep catching myself doing it.

Crackheads, crackheads. Shifty, lying crackheads.

I thought I would be divorced by now. But my lovely crackhead husband Paul has decided to "contest" the separation date. Just when you think you can't be caught off guard by a crackhead, they manage to do something so bizarre you never see it coming. I didn't expect him to get stupid like this. But now I have to assume that he is hostile. Contesting the separation date only drags it out longer. Now I guess I have to wait and see if he tries to go after my house. Just how spiteful can a crackhead be? Very, it would seem.

The repercussions of a thing like this can go on for years!

Almost a year since I posted, and I bet you can guess what happened in my life. Yes, I finally gave up hope. Surprisingly, it was actually a lash-out by the sober brother that pushed me to the decision. Sober brother did indeed give Hubby a job, and yes, he ended up regretting his enabling. Hubby screwed up by getting another DUI, and got fired, and was facing felony charges. So what does sober "healthy" brother do? Call ME up at work to scream at me for leaving him to "pick up all the pieces after I abandoned [hubby]" !!!!!! Talk about still having your own issues with addiction! Not my problem if he still feels guilty about all the pain he caused when using. The brother is so very proud of his five years & 12 Steps - but he really only did 11, because he certainly missed the one about being humble and taking "an honest look" at his life. You'd think a sober addict would realize how much a practicing addict will lie to people more than a lay person like me. And why do addicts deserve ANY qualification of what "kind" of addict they are?! Whatever. I feel for his new bride; she'll find out eventually. If I ever mention him again I'll call him the "11 stepper".

Yup, I'm on the fast-track to divorce. I just got too tired of it all. Tired of fighting for my own self esteem, tired of the circular arguments that were really just a ploy used by Hubby to tire me out. Tired of being the only one trying. Tired of being put in second place behind his addictions. Don't get me wrong - I am still struggling with my self-esteem, and unfortunately I think that one will be limping for quite a while yet. I had abandonment issues before, and they are right back up front again. It was only about a month ago that I realized that hubby/addict could not consider me family, or anything he owed any resposibility towards. That when people say things like "I have a family to support," or "My family needs me," I didn't qualify as family in his mind. Simply crushing. No need to find a fancy adjective for that one!

I am regretting the title of this blog because I could continue to write about my daily ups & downs for a long time, yet this says Married to an Addict. That really has been changed for a while a now, even though I'm still waiting on the legality of it all. But the aftermath.......... EGADS! In the words of my Father, "The repercussions of a thing like this can go on for years!"

I have never wanted to prove my father wrong more than now. Wish me luck!

Back from Vacation

I took a week off for vacation at the beach. With mostly just me. Hubby came down the 1st day to "help me get the boat in the water" and I let him sleep over in another room. The next day I found an empty beer can. I took the opportunity to say everything that I've been holding back, regardless of punishment being a part of the addictive pattern of behavior. I told him that he made a bad decision, and that there ARE consequences. I ranted, I yelled, I hurt him with my comments and I told him to go away. Luckily I only needed one day for me to recoup from the emotional exhaustion that took out of me. I did enjoy the rest of my week. I shopped for me! I bought myself all the things I've been needing and neglecting to get for me. New bras, undies, shirts, summer skirts, jeans, shoes without holes in them, etc. I also got myself a pedicure, a haircut, and I ate well. I put on make-up for the first time in ages. I slept as long as I liked, I didn't answer any phone calls, and I did whatever I felt like doing. I went to some alanon meetings too - and go figure the first one I went to was talking about self-love!

I've been enjoying my reprieve from contact with him. I took this opportunity to spell out that we are indeed separated in an email to his engaged brother who can't understand why hubby isn't living with me, and to express my regret that I will not attend his marriage because of the separation. The brother who screwed up the loan finally called & left a rambling message that never said "sorry." And since I had let slip to his girlfriend that I was at the beach, he shows up at my house while I'm gone to have his kids ride the four-wheeler we let him keep in the garage. These people are not my family. But I'll be more than willing to work out a new arrangement with the loan, now that the locks are changed and I have at least some collateral. I'm sure I'll suddenly hear from him when he figures that one out!

Hubby dropped off a letter Monday in response to my text message "Car insurance yet? EZPass is void." The letter said all the right things. But I don't believe him anymore. I spent Monday removing him from all the remaining "perks" of being my husband. Unfortunately the car insurance isn't so easy. I've got an appointment with a divorce lawyer next Wednesday. I have made up about 90% of my mind. I'm not happy about it, but I see no reason NOT to get divorced. He obviously has not even started to take any rehab seriously, and he's such a hard case that I cannot even see us back on a visitation schedule in six months time. I want to find out if I would lose any ground by not divorcing him now, while it's still been less than a year of marriage. His Case Mgr from his 3 night a week rehab called me - hubby finally signed the HIPPA release. He said almost word for word what hubby put in his letter. Another reason to think he's just parroting what he thinks I want to hear. The Case Mgr was fishing for something, and I don't know what. He said that hubby is finally "surrendering" to his addiction and admitting that he is powerless over it. Asked me if I'd be willing to do some sort of marriage therapy in a month or so. I said I'd be willing, but we'll see where he is in a month. He did tell me that hubby FINALLY got his own apartment! And that Case Mgr is suggesting he have very little contact with me so that he can work on improving himself, and for himself. Duh! I thanked him for asking hubby not to have contact! Like I said, I'm enjoying this reprieve.

So that's were things stand right now. Meet the lawyer next week, and get the rest of his things out of the house. My therapist suggested that I tell him a window of time in which he can come get it, and that I have someone else there as a buffer. I won't put myself through having to pack it all up for him again. And I'm my main priority these days.

Reality Hurts!

His family pushes my buttons as much as he does! They are all in their own world of discontent, and it yanks my chain when they put it on me! I have every right to take care of myself, and MORE of a duty to that then anything else. I'm sorry they are not at a point where they can see that. That knowledge aside, it still pushes my buttons. I got confirmation of my fears today about one of them. The sober brother is, IMHO, regretting his own decisions to help my hubby, and as a result is starting to be open about his disagreement/misunderstanding of my decisions to set my own boundaries with hubby. I had been suspecting an undercurrent of "Why isn't he living with his WIFE?" Today I got my confirmation of that. Sober brother called to "ask me my opinion" on the possibility of hubby working for his company. I answered honestly, that I thought anything out of the car dealership business would be good for him since it is where he did much of his drugs. But I think he really called to try and find out why I am not letting him live with me because "after all he is your husband!" *sigh* To top it off, the divorced brother (who kicked him out yet is still letting him sneak in late and sleep there), who I co-signed a car loan with back in November, missed his April 20th payment and they called me today. I left him a message, asking if he needs financial help today, and have not heard back yet. Patience, patience.................

I am mad at me for getting so angry at what I already knew! This family is such a mess, and they are not my family. Reality hurts.