Straight out of Rehab

Oh joy, he's back. Yup, straight out of rehab, Hubby is back in town. Showed up at my door after following me home from an alanon meeting. Stood there for way too long wallowing in his own misery, saying over and over, "I love you girl!" and trying to hug me. Well, I cut that short. Stupid man should have stayed in Mississippi where he had food, shelter, and counseling, but no. He knows best. So he's back in town with no money and no place to stay and no job and no rehab. I did cave and let him have the keys to the car I bought him. But he has no house keys.

He couldn't even step outside of himself long enough to say "thank you" for all I've done to try and help him, or "I'm sorry" for all the pain he has caused me. Yeah, yeah, I know. He's still in denial and won't even begin to get to that point until he can be honest with himself. So in the mean time I'll just have to be honest with me. I was very unhappy to see him and I really wanted to just lock the door and not speak to him at all. I managed to maintain control of my emotions though, after all what sort of conversation can you have about the future with an addict in denial and in need? None. I did snap at him when he asked me how much time I would need before I can deal with talking to him. "I don't know, and that is NOT a fair question!" was my response. Right now I want nothing to do with him. I want to pretend he is still in rehab in Mississippi. I want him to write letters to me, and me to him. I do not want to talk on the phone to him more than 15 minutes a week. I don't want any updates from his brothers; they have already shown me that they have other priorities - but that's another post.

Right now I don't know if I even want to forgive him and try to mend our marriage. I don't feel like I have it in me, and seeing him wallow last night was certainly no incentive! He's all wrapped up in his needs and his desire to fix things instantly. And for me to punish him for what he has done, so that after he's punished then all will be forgiven and his old life will be back. I'm done playing his Mother. I wanted a husband I could count on, not a 46 year old toddler. So when he does something stupid I don't yell or react anymore. I just think about how that decision might affect my life, and if I need to do anything to protect me. And since he's out of the house and can't touch my money I am relatively protected. So my reaction is none. I think he really wanted me to get angry and yell & scream at him about all the pain he has caused me last night. But I didn't, and as a result he had nothing worthwhile to say. In essence I took his script away. Now, if I can just keep this up!

I'm scared at the length of time these wounds of mine will take to heal. I'm scared that I am now officially separated. Stupid addict didn't stop to think about that, did he? If he'd stayed two more months in rehab then we would not be "separated" but now that he's back in DE and I'm keeping him locked out, we are. I hope that one sinks in on him when I'm no where near him! He's still the addict in everything he does even if he's the healthiest he's been in years. He wants instant gratification, a quick fix, a short cut, an exception for him. He wants to manipulate everything, and as long as he can manipulate one thing then he'll believe he is still running the show. Will he ever realize that he has no audience?