"Then why did he come back here?"

I realized yesterday that I was feeling down. The topic of the alanon meeting was self esteem & I thought that maybe mine had gotten kicked and that was why I felt down. It really did bother me that my friends felt the need to not just question my decisions but to scold me about it too. And as usual, I listened to them and considered their opinions as being valid, but the end result of that was a lowering of my self esteem. I'm not saying I can't accept criticism; I have been grateful for some criticism in the past. But not with this. I realize that I am being as hard-line with hubby as I can be right now and any more would be hurtful to me. And I need to take care of me!

I saw my new shrink yesterday morning and I like him much more than the one at the "addict mill". Even in that 45 minute introductory session he was sharp enough to point out that my independence is a direct result of my family being preoccupied with things other than me. That this addict situation and the failed IVF are specially painful for me because once again, people are choosing something else over me. That when I always break down crying when I talk about my broken dreams of a family, it is because I think the children would never chose something else over me like my husband did. That my history with past relationships was for me to cut it off after six months before he would have a chance to dump me. It's funny, I always thought of my independence as a good quality! Turns out it may have been holding me back all these years. And he mentioned divorce as a possible outcome that only time will tell.

I got a call from a friend last night (not one that criticizes me!) who said that he'd had a long talk with the brother who hubby is staying with. The brother said hubby is still the same, still taking advantage of every situation. Of course this brother just moved in there too, and finally has a bed that he can sleep in with his girlfriend, and I'm sure in that small trailer he's more than ready for hubby to move out. My friend said that when he ran into hubby that the look of hate he received was obvious. I said I thought that he just wasn't ready to talk to all these people again yet. "Well then why did he come back here?" was the observant response from my friend. Good point. He also told me that I shouldn't let my friends bring me down because they are jealous of me. I don't know about that one! Jealous of me? With an addict/alcoholic husband, and debt to last me past retirement age? My friends must not be too smart if they want what I have!

I am also down because I think I expected something more from hubby upon his return. Maybe an honest talk about how we were living, or an honest talk about what goals he has for the future. He always hated talking/planning for the future, and now I truly believe that his half-conscious goal was to kill himself with a heart attack at 60 just like his father did. He's still not talking honestly. He's still cracking derogatory jokes about his job, and how he's going to manipulate them into giving him a desk again sooner than they want. He's still talking in disjointed sentences where one sentence just stops and another begins, without a pause as if it was actually said. I'll have to try & remember one to give you an example. But anymore I don't allow him to keep talking like that; I stop him and ask that he repeat the story in full sentences so that I'll know what the heck he is talking about. Usually he is talking about something he is showing disdain for, or else a situation he thinks he is going to manipulate to control it. More and more it looks like he is going to fail at being my husband.