Who is "Tough Love" tougher on?

I've been trying to set my boundaries for two reasons. One - to protect myself, and two - to eliminate him relying on me to fix everything. And I just had to wonder if tough love is harder on the person practicing it than on the person receiving it. I'm sure it's pretty close at any rate. Even though I knew what he'd do now that's he's back in town, when it actually happens I can't always detach myself and not react. Of course he's not respecting my boundaries. And I lost control and made a mistake last night and I'm not sure how I will fix it.

Monday was when he first showed up and that is all in my last post. Tuesday he called & left a disjointed message telling me to leave him my jumper cables and I ignored the message. Yesterday he called me at work with the same question & I told him to ask a neighbor. I asked him if he got into a program yet & he said yes. I asked which one and he said he had to go, and hung up. *lies* *sigh* I was very happy to see the car gone when I got home from work yesterday. Then I listened to my phone messages and there were three, all for him. Turns out I forgot to take him off of my AAA account so he used that to start his car. I got so angry I started shaking. I don't want him using a service I got for him when we married! I don't want to get phone messages for him! He's not living with me now! I called & removed him from AAA and sat down to blog until my Alanon meeting. For some strange reason my computer at home will not let me access it unless I turn off ALL security measures. So I'm trying to figure that out when the doorbell rings. I see his brother's truck in the driveway so I opened the door. It's him. again. Looking totally stressed out & high strung. Who knows, maybe he was high. "I need my cell phone. Can I get it?!" I snapped "Can you PAY for it?" Blah, blah, blah the short exchange was typical and stressful. And I screwed up and gave him the cell phone I am paying for. And I yelled at him for "take, take, taking" and never using the words "thank you, or please." "Come on - I'm all stressed out!" he says. "And I'm not?" I snapped back. An entire useless conversation. Didn't conform to any description of tough love, didn't make me feel any better to yell, and certainly didn't do anything for him. And now I feel guilty about getting so unnerved that I basically threw the phone at him just to get him physically out of my space. So, he said he'd pay, but I foolishly gave him the phone before he paid. If I cancel the service it will be $200 for breaking the contract. I'm considering reporting it lost in a week so they'll just turn off that phone. Also just taking him off my car insurance at that time. Question is, do I actually give him a week or not? I really don't expect him to pay me. I told him Monday he'd have to get his own insurance & he said "I had my own insurance!" Of course he doesn't admit that I was paying for that as well. I wonder when I'll be able to forward his mail to an actual address? And why does he keep underestimating me? I'm the one who organized the intervention and rehab, the one who is not letting him back into my home, and the one who called the cops to report that his ex-con brother had stolen our car. Just what does he think I WILL NOT do?

I think tough love is definitely harder on my end. His end is blissfully wrapped up in his protective blanket of self-indulgence. I have to make myself not fall prey to his indulgences. I have to be the hard ass and terminate his previous privileges, and make myself ignore my worry about what could happen while he is driving without insurance, and if he is driving drunk & high. I think I just hit it on the head - ignore my worry. And truly do the tough love. Which means just cancelling everything and not worrying about the consequences. I have to remember that leaving rehab was his decision, and everything that is happening to him right now is a consequence of his decisions.