Back from Vacation

I took a week off for vacation at the beach. With mostly just me. Hubby came down the 1st day to "help me get the boat in the water" and I let him sleep over in another room. The next day I found an empty beer can. I took the opportunity to say everything that I've been holding back, regardless of punishment being a part of the addictive pattern of behavior. I told him that he made a bad decision, and that there ARE consequences. I ranted, I yelled, I hurt him with my comments and I told him to go away. Luckily I only needed one day for me to recoup from the emotional exhaustion that took out of me. I did enjoy the rest of my week. I shopped for me! I bought myself all the things I've been needing and neglecting to get for me. New bras, undies, shirts, summer skirts, jeans, shoes without holes in them, etc. I also got myself a pedicure, a haircut, and I ate well. I put on make-up for the first time in ages. I slept as long as I liked, I didn't answer any phone calls, and I did whatever I felt like doing. I went to some alanon meetings too - and go figure the first one I went to was talking about self-love!

I've been enjoying my reprieve from contact with him. I took this opportunity to spell out that we are indeed separated in an email to his engaged brother who can't understand why hubby isn't living with me, and to express my regret that I will not attend his marriage because of the separation. The brother who screwed up the loan finally called & left a rambling message that never said "sorry." And since I had let slip to his girlfriend that I was at the beach, he shows up at my house while I'm gone to have his kids ride the four-wheeler we let him keep in the garage. These people are not my family. But I'll be more than willing to work out a new arrangement with the loan, now that the locks are changed and I have at least some collateral. I'm sure I'll suddenly hear from him when he figures that one out!

Hubby dropped off a letter Monday in response to my text message "Car insurance yet? EZPass is void." The letter said all the right things. But I don't believe him anymore. I spent Monday removing him from all the remaining "perks" of being my husband. Unfortunately the car insurance isn't so easy. I've got an appointment with a divorce lawyer next Wednesday. I have made up about 90% of my mind. I'm not happy about it, but I see no reason NOT to get divorced. He obviously has not even started to take any rehab seriously, and he's such a hard case that I cannot even see us back on a visitation schedule in six months time. I want to find out if I would lose any ground by not divorcing him now, while it's still been less than a year of marriage. His Case Mgr from his 3 night a week rehab called me - hubby finally signed the HIPPA release. He said almost word for word what hubby put in his letter. Another reason to think he's just parroting what he thinks I want to hear. The Case Mgr was fishing for something, and I don't know what. He said that hubby is finally "surrendering" to his addiction and admitting that he is powerless over it. Asked me if I'd be willing to do some sort of marriage therapy in a month or so. I said I'd be willing, but we'll see where he is in a month. He did tell me that hubby FINALLY got his own apartment! And that Case Mgr is suggesting he have very little contact with me so that he can work on improving himself, and for himself. Duh! I thanked him for asking hubby not to have contact! Like I said, I'm enjoying this reprieve.

So that's were things stand right now. Meet the lawyer next week, and get the rest of his things out of the house. My therapist suggested that I tell him a window of time in which he can come get it, and that I have someone else there as a buffer. I won't put myself through having to pack it all up for him again. And I'm my main priority these days.