Be Careful What You Think Of

Last night the Alanon topic was step 3, giving up your will to a higher power, and how a "quiet place" helps people relax enough to be able to do that in times of stress. As I listened to the stories I realized that there were a lot of senior members of the group who still cannot prevent themselves from rescuing their recurrent alcoholic/addict when they relapse, or become homeless. And how hard it was for a lot of them to even sit in a quiet room. I have always had a knack for finding quiet and letting my mind go. I was wondering where I could be in my recovery since I'm very new to Alanon, and I have already refused to let my hubby move back in after he left rehab. I have set ground rules that he keeps trying to break, and I have resisted my urge to respond to him. I have been doing my best not to worry (just can't turn that off all at once y'know) but I have made myself not get involved in his daily dramas. He is allowed to call me only on weekends, and I will see him once on the weekend. He is allowed to write to me, and of course he has not. And he is not respecting my boundaries because he keeps leaving messages at my house, which I try to ignore. All in all, I thought I was doing well considering.

At 11:30 last night he calls & leaves a message at my house and on my cell, sounding awful, saying "Please call me. It's really important!" My logical side that has been winning lately said - if it's so important how come you can't leave a brief message telling me what it is about? My altruistic side said - but what if (fill in the blank) and he really needs me? So I failed and returned his call, and tried to be tough. I just said "Hi" and then let him do all the talking. Turns out that his divorced brother came home last night and told him to move out, that the recovery brother had told him he could stay there two weeks, and that the two weeks was up. I asked if he had talked to recovery brother. "No." I said nothing, I offered no solutions, suggestions, or support. He did not ask me for anything, but I think he expected me to offer something to help him out. After a pause he said "Nevermind. I'm sorry I called you - I'll just sleep in my car or something." I said "All right then. I'll speak to you over the weekend." There was silence and I was about to hang up when he said, "Wait a minute. What do you think about that?" "About your brother kicking you out?" I asked. "No! About your husband sleeping in a car!" And I said, very honestly, "It really sucks, honey." And he started to cry and repeated my words "Yeah, it really sucks!" Then he did hang up. And called the house again within a minute, but I did not answer. Instead I called a friend I knew would reassure me that I did what was best for ME.

Of course I have all the possible scenarios running through my mind, but so far I'm able to keep them from becoming agitates. Second guessing if I'm being too hard, since from the little I've seen of him in these three weeks he appears to be clean. Reassuring myself that even though he might be clean he is still in major denial, and any help I give him will only hurt me. Refusing to let myself contact either of his brothers to "touch base" and see how he is doing/what he is doing about this. Reminding myself that a responsible person would have been looking to improve his lousy living situation as soon as it started, and therefore would not now be living in his car. Reminding myself that giving him money, or letting him move back in would cause me to resent him and eventually hate him. Reminding myself that it is totally up to him how our future turns out. If he begins to get out of denial then there is hope for us, if he stays in denial then I will be divorced after just six blissful months of marriage. But I will be healthy in any case. I guess today I am a "selfish altruist!"