Hello, I'm Patty and I'm an Altruist.

More, and more depressed. General malaise. I got very angry at him this weekend because he dared to blame me for his bad mood, and say that my taking time to heal me is a "cop out" and making him hate me. He has some balls on him doesn't he? Classic addict mentality. And it turns out that I am classic codependent. I finally bought the book & started reading it, and the foreword is right on target. Everybody uses the term, yet very few know what it means. I would never have classified myself as codependent! I asked Hubby to ask his rehab group what the definition was & he said "I know what it is!" I told him to ask anyhow. Later he said that it is "a person who is obsessed with another's addiction in order to get their own happiness" -!- I told him there is no happiness in it at all! But that definition is pretty close to what I would have said a week ago. I think tonight at my alanon meeting I'm going to say "Hello I'm Patty and I'm a codependent" just to see if anyone rises to the topic. Like I said, I've only heard the term used, never defined before. Even this book says there is no single definition, and that cases of it can vary greatly in severity. I think a good definition would be "A conscious or subconscious reaction to another's repetitive behavior in which the person progressively neglects their own basic needs and causes psychological damage to themselves." I think it is using words like "obsession" "mutually dependent" and "over-dependence" that make people turn away from the topic. No true codependent would ever say they need their addict to do addictive things for them to survive. After all, the reason they became codependent was because they were over-compensating for their addict. Rationally, they would say they'd be ecstatic if their addict started to do things for themselves. That it would remove stress from their life. I do not like the term codependent. I would much prefer "altruist" or even "obsessive-compulsive altruist." Unselfish concern for others (to the point of neglecting ourselves). It is more user-friendly! It has a much more approachable definition. I think I've found my cause. They say the term codependent developed out of alanon meetings. Therefore I'm going to develope the term "obsessive compulsive altruist" the same way. Besides, it makes people chuckle when I say "I've decided I'm not codependent. I prefer the term 'obsessive-compulsive altruist." Of course half the people in this world have no idea what an altruist is either.

"Then why did he come back here?"

I realized yesterday that I was feeling down. The topic of the alanon meeting was self esteem & I thought that maybe mine had gotten kicked and that was why I felt down. It really did bother me that my friends felt the need to not just question my decisions but to scold me about it too. And as usual, I listened to them and considered their opinions as being valid, but the end result of that was a lowering of my self esteem. I'm not saying I can't accept criticism; I have been grateful for some criticism in the past. But not with this. I realize that I am being as hard-line with hubby as I can be right now and any more would be hurtful to me. And I need to take care of me!

I saw my new shrink yesterday morning and I like him much more than the one at the "addict mill". Even in that 45 minute introductory session he was sharp enough to point out that my independence is a direct result of my family being preoccupied with things other than me. That this addict situation and the failed IVF are specially painful for me because once again, people are choosing something else over me. That when I always break down crying when I talk about my broken dreams of a family, it is because I think the children would never chose something else over me like my husband did. That my history with past relationships was for me to cut it off after six months before he would have a chance to dump me. It's funny, I always thought of my independence as a good quality! Turns out it may have been holding me back all these years. And he mentioned divorce as a possible outcome that only time will tell.

I got a call from a friend last night (not one that criticizes me!) who said that he'd had a long talk with the brother who hubby is staying with. The brother said hubby is still the same, still taking advantage of every situation. Of course this brother just moved in there too, and finally has a bed that he can sleep in with his girlfriend, and I'm sure in that small trailer he's more than ready for hubby to move out. My friend said that when he ran into hubby that the look of hate he received was obvious. I said I thought that he just wasn't ready to talk to all these people again yet. "Well then why did he come back here?" was the observant response from my friend. Good point. He also told me that I shouldn't let my friends bring me down because they are jealous of me. I don't know about that one! Jealous of me? With an addict/alcoholic husband, and debt to last me past retirement age? My friends must not be too smart if they want what I have!

I am also down because I think I expected something more from hubby upon his return. Maybe an honest talk about how we were living, or an honest talk about what goals he has for the future. He always hated talking/planning for the future, and now I truly believe that his half-conscious goal was to kill himself with a heart attack at 60 just like his father did. He's still not talking honestly. He's still cracking derogatory jokes about his job, and how he's going to manipulate them into giving him a desk again sooner than they want. He's still talking in disjointed sentences where one sentence just stops and another begins, without a pause as if it was actually said. I'll have to try & remember one to give you an example. But anymore I don't allow him to keep talking like that; I stop him and ask that he repeat the story in full sentences so that I'll know what the heck he is talking about. Usually he is talking about something he is showing disdain for, or else a situation he thinks he is going to manipulate to control it. More and more it looks like he is going to fail at being my husband.

Speaking to my husband is "caving"

I was going to post on this blog every day, but it turns out that I cannot sign in to Google accounts from my home computer. The only difference between my work & home computer is that one uses McAfee and the other has Norton. *sigh* I'm still getting a lot of flack from my girlfriends. It would seem that my speaking to my husband is "caving" and that they believe I am not protecting myself enough from him. They don't seem to realize how detrimental their lack of faith in me is. I don't understand why they are so mad at me for speaking to him. Granted, before when we spoke we were 1,000 miles apart talking on the phone, and now he is in the same state. And yes, I did spend time with him in person this past weekend. The message I hear from them is that I need to be brutally mean to him and refuse ALL communications. And I don't understand why they think that. I am still working very hard on me. He is working on him. We are still separated and I don't know if we'll get back together again. Isn't that tough enough?! "We" are not working on "us" because we have so much individual work to do first. I can't help but wonder if their anger at him for the pain he has caused me is motivating them. Sometimes it really sounds like they just want me to run out and get a divorce, despite the fact that I made the conscious decision NOT to do that when I started planning the intervention. Maybe they think I have not considered the possibility of getting divorced. Believe me, I have. I just haven't shared all that with them. It is so odd. It seems like they feel obligated to "bring me back to reality" when I consider hopeful possibilities, and they don't feel obligated to offer any other opinions when I consider dismal possibilities. I am hoping that between this blog, my therapy, and alanon that I will just be able to not talk to them about my life. Egads! That sounds so sad! Having to restrict topics to anything but me in order to prevent getting picked on by my good friends! What a tangled web we weave.

Mending Fences

I spent a lot of time with Hubby this weekend, and it was actually enjoyable. I am trying not to get hopeful. I have been down this road of good times after bad before, and I am still convinced that bad will come again and be just like before. We actually talked for the first time in I don't know when. I would ask him questions about how he feels about going back to work, or the fact he's not living at home, and he would actually think about it and answer! Maybe 28 days did help him some. He's staying at his brother's trailer, except he didn't know his other brother was moving in there at the same time. So the sober brother is really not there but living with his girlfriend, and the divorced brother has moved in and has custody of his two kids every weekend in the two-bedroom trailer. Yes, it sucks for Hubby. But I'm still not ready for him to move back in yet. And he did mention, without my prompting, that he might have to get his own place for a while. He started back to work (same job, sigh) on Saturday and he'll be working six days a week from 9A-5P so that he can go to a local rehab program at night from 6P-9PM. So he will be busy with other things than me, or his lousy living situation. It was very good to spend time with him sober, but of course there are still things that got on my nerves. But I'm proud of me - I said something about them right away, whereas before I would not have said anything for God knows how long. He basically did his disappearing act when someone is visiting and he doesn't want to visit. Once, yet another brother showed up unannounced and Hubby just went inside & turned on the TV. I told him that he needs to say something to the guest and not just abandon them for me to deal with, that it's not fair to me or the guest. Then when I had my father over for dinner he just kept running around and never sat down to be social. Again I told him he should just be honest about how he feels and address it, not just avoid the situation. And he apologized both times. But it still bugged me to be educating him about his behavior. I don't want that parental role. Hubby told me that his sober brother came & did a piss test on him one day last week. And Hubby did not get mad when I told him how happy I was to hear that, because it is one of the issues I was struggling with. How could I ever just trust him not to use, and how could we possibly rebuild trust if I'm doing surprise piss tests on him? I'm hoping the brother will keep it up.

Otherwise, I put him to work around the yard this weekend. Got him to tune up the mower & cut all the grass, weekwack, fix the trellises, and help me fix the fences in the backyard. And the whole time we worked on the fences I just kept saying to myself, "I'm mending fences. Good fences make good neighbors. Spring is fence mending time. Fences need tending on a regular basis." It was very symbolic, and therapeutic to be working on the fences. Reminded me that we all need good fences in our lives. That fences can serve many purposes; to keep things out, to keep things in, or just to set a boundary with your neighbor. That you can make a fence with a gate that you can open or close whenever you want, or you can make your fence as low or high as you want depending on how much of the other side you want to see. Fences can make you feel more secure, and fences can also intimidate. And no matter how much care & effort you put into building your fence, it will eventually fall down without regular maintenance.

Who is "Tough Love" tougher on?

I've been trying to set my boundaries for two reasons. One - to protect myself, and two - to eliminate him relying on me to fix everything. And I just had to wonder if tough love is harder on the person practicing it than on the person receiving it. I'm sure it's pretty close at any rate. Even though I knew what he'd do now that's he's back in town, when it actually happens I can't always detach myself and not react. Of course he's not respecting my boundaries. And I lost control and made a mistake last night and I'm not sure how I will fix it.

Monday was when he first showed up and that is all in my last post. Tuesday he called & left a disjointed message telling me to leave him my jumper cables and I ignored the message. Yesterday he called me at work with the same question & I told him to ask a neighbor. I asked him if he got into a program yet & he said yes. I asked which one and he said he had to go, and hung up. *lies* *sigh* I was very happy to see the car gone when I got home from work yesterday. Then I listened to my phone messages and there were three, all for him. Turns out I forgot to take him off of my AAA account so he used that to start his car. I got so angry I started shaking. I don't want him using a service I got for him when we married! I don't want to get phone messages for him! He's not living with me now! I called & removed him from AAA and sat down to blog until my Alanon meeting. For some strange reason my computer at home will not let me access it unless I turn off ALL security measures. So I'm trying to figure that out when the doorbell rings. I see his brother's truck in the driveway so I opened the door. It's him. again. Looking totally stressed out & high strung. Who knows, maybe he was high. "I need my cell phone. Can I get it?!" I snapped "Can you PAY for it?" Blah, blah, blah the short exchange was typical and stressful. And I screwed up and gave him the cell phone I am paying for. And I yelled at him for "take, take, taking" and never using the words "thank you, or please." "Come on - I'm all stressed out!" he says. "And I'm not?" I snapped back. An entire useless conversation. Didn't conform to any description of tough love, didn't make me feel any better to yell, and certainly didn't do anything for him. And now I feel guilty about getting so unnerved that I basically threw the phone at him just to get him physically out of my space. So, he said he'd pay, but I foolishly gave him the phone before he paid. If I cancel the service it will be $200 for breaking the contract. I'm considering reporting it lost in a week so they'll just turn off that phone. Also just taking him off my car insurance at that time. Question is, do I actually give him a week or not? I really don't expect him to pay me. I told him Monday he'd have to get his own insurance & he said "I had my own insurance!" Of course he doesn't admit that I was paying for that as well. I wonder when I'll be able to forward his mail to an actual address? And why does he keep underestimating me? I'm the one who organized the intervention and rehab, the one who is not letting him back into my home, and the one who called the cops to report that his ex-con brother had stolen our car. Just what does he think I WILL NOT do?

I think tough love is definitely harder on my end. His end is blissfully wrapped up in his protective blanket of self-indulgence. I have to make myself not fall prey to his indulgences. I have to be the hard ass and terminate his previous privileges, and make myself ignore my worry about what could happen while he is driving without insurance, and if he is driving drunk & high. I think I just hit it on the head - ignore my worry. And truly do the tough love. Which means just cancelling everything and not worrying about the consequences. I have to remember that leaving rehab was his decision, and everything that is happening to him right now is a consequence of his decisions.

Straight out of Rehab

Oh joy, he's back. Yup, straight out of rehab, Hubby is back in town. Showed up at my door after following me home from an alanon meeting. Stood there for way too long wallowing in his own misery, saying over and over, "I love you girl!" and trying to hug me. Well, I cut that short. Stupid man should have stayed in Mississippi where he had food, shelter, and counseling, but no. He knows best. So he's back in town with no money and no place to stay and no job and no rehab. I did cave and let him have the keys to the car I bought him. But he has no house keys.

He couldn't even step outside of himself long enough to say "thank you" for all I've done to try and help him, or "I'm sorry" for all the pain he has caused me. Yeah, yeah, I know. He's still in denial and won't even begin to get to that point until he can be honest with himself. So in the mean time I'll just have to be honest with me. I was very unhappy to see him and I really wanted to just lock the door and not speak to him at all. I managed to maintain control of my emotions though, after all what sort of conversation can you have about the future with an addict in denial and in need? None. I did snap at him when he asked me how much time I would need before I can deal with talking to him. "I don't know, and that is NOT a fair question!" was my response. Right now I want nothing to do with him. I want to pretend he is still in rehab in Mississippi. I want him to write letters to me, and me to him. I do not want to talk on the phone to him more than 15 minutes a week. I don't want any updates from his brothers; they have already shown me that they have other priorities - but that's another post.

Right now I don't know if I even want to forgive him and try to mend our marriage. I don't feel like I have it in me, and seeing him wallow last night was certainly no incentive! He's all wrapped up in his needs and his desire to fix things instantly. And for me to punish him for what he has done, so that after he's punished then all will be forgiven and his old life will be back. I'm done playing his Mother. I wanted a husband I could count on, not a 46 year old toddler. So when he does something stupid I don't yell or react anymore. I just think about how that decision might affect my life, and if I need to do anything to protect me. And since he's out of the house and can't touch my money I am relatively protected. So my reaction is none. I think he really wanted me to get angry and yell & scream at him about all the pain he has caused me last night. But I didn't, and as a result he had nothing worthwhile to say. In essence I took his script away. Now, if I can just keep this up!

I'm scared at the length of time these wounds of mine will take to heal. I'm scared that I am now officially separated. Stupid addict didn't stop to think about that, did he? If he'd stayed two more months in rehab then we would not be "separated" but now that he's back in DE and I'm keeping him locked out, we are. I hope that one sinks in on him when I'm no where near him! He's still the addict in everything he does even if he's the healthiest he's been in years. He wants instant gratification, a quick fix, a short cut, an exception for him. He wants to manipulate everything, and as long as he can manipulate one thing then he'll believe he is still running the show. Will he ever realize that he has no audience?

If I was an addict, I'd have help in under 24 hours!

I got married to Hubby 8 months ago after a 3 year relationship. We fell madly in love when we first met, and he basically moved in at that time. Six weeks ago, after all the clues I previously ignored, I found his crack paraphernalia and admitted that I was married to an addict. Yeah, he's also an alcoholic, and I knew that, and I still married him. Well short story, I did an intervention & he agreed to go to a 90 day program - and he left it yesterday after 28 days. Says he's going to stay with his brother since I told him I'm "not ready for him to come home."

I was unable to seek help for me for the first two weeks because I was so busy planning the intervention (organizing grown men is harder than getting chickens to walk in a straight line!)and because I was still in shock. But I had received two names of therapists from the interventionist, and I did set up appointments with both of them. I met the first one, a "licensed & certified social worker"(LCSW) one week after Hubby left. What a disaster! She was openly appalled that I had taken out a second mortgage to pay for his rehab "thirty thousand dollars is an awful lot of money to spend on someone else," told me to talk to a divorce lawyer because "when drugs are involved you can get a divorce in 30 days," and of course what bad therapy session would be complete without the inevitable "why do you think that is?" I at least had the presence of mind to tell her that I could get all this 'tsk,tsk' advice from my girlfriends without having to pay $95. Basically, I believe she pre-categorized me before she ever met me, and she certainly did not bother to ask me why I was seeking therapy. But I did not get to that realization until I woke up at 3AM that night sobbing uncontrollably. And I did not stop for four days.

The appointment with the other referral was a week and a half away, she was also not on my insurance and would cost $125. I began trying to wade through my insurance provider list to get something sooner. All this time I have been attending Alanon, and I began to realize that all the anger, sadness, distrust and love I was feeling towards my Hubby did not require a "family of the addicted" specialist. But the provider list might as well have been in German. I finally figured out that I should look under "Behavioral Health" but then I had to chose from categories that had no definition, and when I called member services, even they could not tell me what the difference in treatment was between a CRN, Master's Prepared Therapist, Social Worker, Psychology, or Psychiatry/Neurology. So I just started calling offices. One program, which is the largest in my area, said they were not accepting any new patients at this time. That knocked about one third of the providers off my list. The second largest in the area said they were in the process of moving their headquarters and that I should call out-of-state to see if any of their offices could take me sooner than three months. By this time I was calling individual providers and the answer was always the same - there is a wait list minimum of three months. It didn't matter if I called them crying, or if I had myself together enough to explain my situation rationally - I was going to have to tough it out alone until their schedule allowed for me.

Well, I've never been one to quit (even if I do have a hard time asking for help sometimes), so I decided to try getting help through my primary doctor. This was on my fourth straight day of sobbing while driving to work, at work, while driving home, while walking the dogs, while doing anything, and not sleeping or eating. So I called his office sobbing and believing I was having a nervous breakdown, and they had me in to see him the next day. He prescribed Lexapro & Xanax for me, and got me a psychiatrist appointment for two weeks out. The Lexapro helped a lot, but it was too strong for me & I hated the fuzzy feeling so I stopped taking it after a week. I foolishly cancelled the $125 therapist. And kept looking forward to my shrink appointment.

That appointment was this past Thursday, a mere six weeks since my ordeal began. When I saw the office I already had misgivings. In a lousy neighborhood with trash in front of the building. When I walked in I felt like I was in the NYC unemployment office (yes I have been there too). I had arrived at 3PM for a 3:30PM appointment figuring there was paperwork to fill out. As I waited until 5PM to see the shrink I repeatedly heard the receptionist tell everyone on the phone that they "typically run about an hour behind schedule." I started to feel sorry for myself (again) while sitting on hard back chairs in a cold waiting room with no reading materials and court-ordered patients coming in, and out, before me. But I was desperate for help, any kind of one-on-one help! After all I had been going it alone for six weeks, my husband had already been in rehab for almost a month, and I was still struggling to get a damn therapy session! I only had 90 days total with him gone to work on me, and the health system has wasted 30 of them.

Finally I get in and, of course, start sobbing again as we go over the basics. Much to my surprise, the shrink says, "I think therapy would be good for you. Would you like to do therapy?" I told her that I thought she was going to be therapy. "Oh no, I just oversee medications." I am very proud that I did not leap over the desk and throttle that woman. And when I explained that I needed to start therapy yesterday she didn't help, and my appointment is another two weeks out. And she actually was asking ME what sort of medication I'd like to be on and how many MILLIGRAMS I wanted!!!!!!!!!!! I am still debating reporting her. What if I'd been a drug seeker?

So here it is 29 days after Hubby left for rehab. He quit the program yesterday. Today I was determined to get help this week. I'll be damned (literally) if I'm going to patiently wait for the system to fit me in when I know Hubby will be knocking on my door this week! So today I called those same providers again and refused to take no for an answer. I got dramatic and I cried. And I have a therapy session TOMORROW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I just pray it's not like the shrink visit that wasn't. But finally I'll be able to start working on me instead of just reacting to his life. And not a second too soon. At least while he was out of state I could control how much interaction I wanted to have with him. Now I want to prevent myself from being a victim of his needs. Wish me luck!