Back from Vacation

I took a week off for vacation at the beach. With mostly just me. Hubby came down the 1st day to "help me get the boat in the water" and I let him sleep over in another room. The next day I found an empty beer can. I took the opportunity to say everything that I've been holding back, regardless of punishment being a part of the addictive pattern of behavior. I told him that he made a bad decision, and that there ARE consequences. I ranted, I yelled, I hurt him with my comments and I told him to go away. Luckily I only needed one day for me to recoup from the emotional exhaustion that took out of me. I did enjoy the rest of my week. I shopped for me! I bought myself all the things I've been needing and neglecting to get for me. New bras, undies, shirts, summer skirts, jeans, shoes without holes in them, etc. I also got myself a pedicure, a haircut, and I ate well. I put on make-up for the first time in ages. I slept as long as I liked, I didn't answer any phone calls, and I did whatever I felt like doing. I went to some alanon meetings too - and go figure the first one I went to was talking about self-love!

I've been enjoying my reprieve from contact with him. I took this opportunity to spell out that we are indeed separated in an email to his engaged brother who can't understand why hubby isn't living with me, and to express my regret that I will not attend his marriage because of the separation. The brother who screwed up the loan finally called & left a rambling message that never said "sorry." And since I had let slip to his girlfriend that I was at the beach, he shows up at my house while I'm gone to have his kids ride the four-wheeler we let him keep in the garage. These people are not my family. But I'll be more than willing to work out a new arrangement with the loan, now that the locks are changed and I have at least some collateral. I'm sure I'll suddenly hear from him when he figures that one out!

Hubby dropped off a letter Monday in response to my text message "Car insurance yet? EZPass is void." The letter said all the right things. But I don't believe him anymore. I spent Monday removing him from all the remaining "perks" of being my husband. Unfortunately the car insurance isn't so easy. I've got an appointment with a divorce lawyer next Wednesday. I have made up about 90% of my mind. I'm not happy about it, but I see no reason NOT to get divorced. He obviously has not even started to take any rehab seriously, and he's such a hard case that I cannot even see us back on a visitation schedule in six months time. I want to find out if I would lose any ground by not divorcing him now, while it's still been less than a year of marriage. His Case Mgr from his 3 night a week rehab called me - hubby finally signed the HIPPA release. He said almost word for word what hubby put in his letter. Another reason to think he's just parroting what he thinks I want to hear. The Case Mgr was fishing for something, and I don't know what. He said that hubby is finally "surrendering" to his addiction and admitting that he is powerless over it. Asked me if I'd be willing to do some sort of marriage therapy in a month or so. I said I'd be willing, but we'll see where he is in a month. He did tell me that hubby FINALLY got his own apartment! And that Case Mgr is suggesting he have very little contact with me so that he can work on improving himself, and for himself. Duh! I thanked him for asking hubby not to have contact! Like I said, I'm enjoying this reprieve.

So that's were things stand right now. Meet the lawyer next week, and get the rest of his things out of the house. My therapist suggested that I tell him a window of time in which he can come get it, and that I have someone else there as a buffer. I won't put myself through having to pack it all up for him again. And I'm my main priority these days.

Reality Hurts!

His family pushes my buttons as much as he does! They are all in their own world of discontent, and it yanks my chain when they put it on me! I have every right to take care of myself, and MORE of a duty to that then anything else. I'm sorry they are not at a point where they can see that. That knowledge aside, it still pushes my buttons. I got confirmation of my fears today about one of them. The sober brother is, IMHO, regretting his own decisions to help my hubby, and as a result is starting to be open about his disagreement/misunderstanding of my decisions to set my own boundaries with hubby. I had been suspecting an undercurrent of "Why isn't he living with his WIFE?" Today I got my confirmation of that. Sober brother called to "ask me my opinion" on the possibility of hubby working for his company. I answered honestly, that I thought anything out of the car dealership business would be good for him since it is where he did much of his drugs. But I think he really called to try and find out why I am not letting him live with me because "after all he is your husband!" *sigh* To top it off, the divorced brother (who kicked him out yet is still letting him sneak in late and sleep there), who I co-signed a car loan with back in November, missed his April 20th payment and they called me today. I left him a message, asking if he needs financial help today, and have not heard back yet. Patience, patience.................

I am mad at me for getting so angry at what I already knew! This family is such a mess, and they are not my family. Reality hurts.

Far to go

I'm not sure what I want to write about today. Things are moving along, and not in a bad way. I think much of that is due to the fact that I'm not living with him, and I wonder how hard that adjustment will be when I'm ready for it. I also have no idea how I'll know when I'm ready for it, if ever. All I know now is that I'm definitely NOT ready yet! In the short times we do spend time together he still gets on my nerves and I find myself hating that I am biting my tongue. When I say something about changing the subject because I'm not comfortable with it, I have gotten the old reactions. Yes, I have to get better at saying what I want, but waiting for him to accept my decisions will be even tougher. He has so far to go. He is all caught up in this new discovery of identifying how he feels, and it will be some time before he learns to listen as well. I listen too much. That is part of my problem. For example, I saw him yesterday. He forgot to pick up some things and called & asked if he could come over and get them. I agreed, yet when he got here (right after a nar-anon meeting) he also wanted to keep talking. I listened for a bit, but then I told him that it was time for him to leave. No explanation, just telling him what I needed. Got the old bad reaction - spoiled selfish rejected child reaction. I didn't get angry at him. I actually laughed and answered his "Why?" with the truth - that I just needed my space now, and he had come to get things, and he had, so it was time to go. It could have been much worse on both our parts. But we had enjoyed our time together, and that is progress.

We had some more drama last week too. That really stressed me out. Thursday he showed up at the house saying he thought he was dying from stress. I was quite calm about it all while he was here. I told him that if he really felt like he was dying that he should go to the emergency room, and if he thought he'd live then he should go to his scheduled rehab that night. That they were much better prepared than me to help him because they've been where he is and could understand. He said he didn't think he could drive in his state. I offered to drive him to either place. After much drama he finally left. Yelling that what he really wanted was a "fucking phone call from his wife!" Thankfully he went to rehab instead of a bar. I wanted to yell back. I didn't. I wanted to say that he couldn't even abide by my boundaries of not calling me Monday through Thursday. That I deserved that minimum of respect. But I knew I'd be wasting my breath, because he was not in a state to hear what I was saying. So even though he sat in his car having an angry fit for five minutes I resisted going out there. Of course, I watched through the shades! But I resisted the thought to drive by & see if his car was at rehab. Instead, I hit my phone list for support. I got every one's voicemail, so I checked my meeting list. Yeah! A meeting in 15 minutes! I got there and got support. And I had return calls later that re-assured me that I'm doing well. That I'm doing what is right for me even though it is hard. That was what I said at the meeting - the hardest part is waiting for me to be able to speak to him and have him hear.

I had put my last post on a bulletin board on another site and got some responses that thought they were being supportive. Basically they said I have a long way to go. I'm sure I do. Who doesn't? But I also believe that I've come a long way in a short time. And it was very good to hear that confirmed from people who have been listening to me at all my meetings, especially after the well-meaning, yet off base responses I received on that web site. And no, I didn't ask these people how they thought I was doing. They said it of their own volition, in response to me being very tough on myself. I'll work on that too. Everyone, even those who are "healthy," have far to go. When you stop going, you stop living.

Be Careful What You Think Of

Last night the Alanon topic was step 3, giving up your will to a higher power, and how a "quiet place" helps people relax enough to be able to do that in times of stress. As I listened to the stories I realized that there were a lot of senior members of the group who still cannot prevent themselves from rescuing their recurrent alcoholic/addict when they relapse, or become homeless. And how hard it was for a lot of them to even sit in a quiet room. I have always had a knack for finding quiet and letting my mind go. I was wondering where I could be in my recovery since I'm very new to Alanon, and I have already refused to let my hubby move back in after he left rehab. I have set ground rules that he keeps trying to break, and I have resisted my urge to respond to him. I have been doing my best not to worry (just can't turn that off all at once y'know) but I have made myself not get involved in his daily dramas. He is allowed to call me only on weekends, and I will see him once on the weekend. He is allowed to write to me, and of course he has not. And he is not respecting my boundaries because he keeps leaving messages at my house, which I try to ignore. All in all, I thought I was doing well considering.

At 11:30 last night he calls & leaves a message at my house and on my cell, sounding awful, saying "Please call me. It's really important!" My logical side that has been winning lately said - if it's so important how come you can't leave a brief message telling me what it is about? My altruistic side said - but what if (fill in the blank) and he really needs me? So I failed and returned his call, and tried to be tough. I just said "Hi" and then let him do all the talking. Turns out that his divorced brother came home last night and told him to move out, that the recovery brother had told him he could stay there two weeks, and that the two weeks was up. I asked if he had talked to recovery brother. "No." I said nothing, I offered no solutions, suggestions, or support. He did not ask me for anything, but I think he expected me to offer something to help him out. After a pause he said "Nevermind. I'm sorry I called you - I'll just sleep in my car or something." I said "All right then. I'll speak to you over the weekend." There was silence and I was about to hang up when he said, "Wait a minute. What do you think about that?" "About your brother kicking you out?" I asked. "No! About your husband sleeping in a car!" And I said, very honestly, "It really sucks, honey." And he started to cry and repeated my words "Yeah, it really sucks!" Then he did hang up. And called the house again within a minute, but I did not answer. Instead I called a friend I knew would reassure me that I did what was best for ME.

Of course I have all the possible scenarios running through my mind, but so far I'm able to keep them from becoming agitates. Second guessing if I'm being too hard, since from the little I've seen of him in these three weeks he appears to be clean. Reassuring myself that even though he might be clean he is still in major denial, and any help I give him will only hurt me. Refusing to let myself contact either of his brothers to "touch base" and see how he is doing/what he is doing about this. Reminding myself that a responsible person would have been looking to improve his lousy living situation as soon as it started, and therefore would not now be living in his car. Reminding myself that giving him money, or letting him move back in would cause me to resent him and eventually hate him. Reminding myself that it is totally up to him how our future turns out. If he begins to get out of denial then there is hope for us, if he stays in denial then I will be divorced after just six blissful months of marriage. But I will be healthy in any case. I guess today I am a "selfish altruist!"