Such turmoil just for a crap-shoot on me

I still have trouble not being angry at him. Or disappointed that he hasn't "stepped up" and tried to make something of himself. I wonder how much of this is my wanting the impossible, and how much is based on how much I did care for him. Probably a mixture of both. Sick, I know. But I just can't turn off the feelings. I still find myself hoping/missing my husband and the future we could have had. I find myself reading about car accidents, or arrests in the paper, and wondering what he had to do with it. At the same time I keep hoping he's found something bigger than himself that humbles him. Something that will remind him, daily, of what joy a simple life can really bring. Then I remember who I'm thinking about, and I realize it was, and is, a pipe dream. It's just such a shame. Wasted potential always is.

I've been doing better for me, all in all. I've been tackling a lot of the projects that were put on the back burner while he was in my life. And it does feel good to accomplish them. I just wish he hadn't been so good at times. It would make my recovery so much easier. I have realized that I'm now gun-shy. I was out one night, socializing and having fun, and then one of the men I had been chatting with asked me out. I believe the look of fear that washed over me must have been palpable. Poor guy. Not his fault - but then I practically (and literally) ran away in fear. So I guess I have a long way to go before I "get out there" again. Which I continually force myself to do. Because when I'm not being social I find myself imagining his salvation (again), and if my getting a second mortgage to send him to rehab wasn't enough of a kick in the ass to turn him around, then there's nothing anyone can do for him. Can you imagine? I've never had anyone put their life in such turmoil just for a crap-shoot on me. And I'd like to think that I'd have the presence of mind to realize it if someone did.

I don't want to socialize with my neighbors, since they all knew him. Both here, and at the beach. Thankfully most don't have the balls to out-right ask. But some have their 10-year-old daughters ask for them. Which is sadder? Paul's present whirlpool of a life, or their gossip-centric future life? Of course, most likely they don't give a hoot at all, and it's just me dealing with overcoming my inadequacy problems. But I still can't stop hoping that he'll show up and really have turned around. Which wish is absurd, in and of itself, because I could never believe him. Granting the clean slate from me is something that must be earned after long hard days of toiling now! Well, off now to do some more toiling on me.............