Involve Bystanders Whenever Possible, It Distracts From The Real Issues

Richard, the 11 Stepper, sent me an email. Telling me he wanted a bicycle that he had given Paul, and the wedding present that cost him $500 back, because he feels it's "only right". I haven't responded, but only on the advice of my lawyer, who reminded me that the court will be mailing him the final papers this Friday! Thank God! The last time I heard from Richard was when he called me up on October 18, 2007, the day after his birthday, which birthday also happened to be the day that Paul got fired because he went to jail on a DUI, from the job Richard had convinced his own boss to give Paul. I didn't really expect an apology from Richard. But I also did not expect what he did say. The last words I heard Richard say were to the effect of "Of course I feel ^%$*&*&$ responsible!!!! I'M the one who had to pick up all the *(%*%$&$%$ pieces after YOU abandoned him!!!!" I hung up on him then, but had the courtesy to say that was what I was doing first. The balls on this guy! I guess he feels he doesn't have to ever make amends for the terrible things he does in life while NOT on drugs. And that my organizing, and financing, a $30,000 intervention and 90 day rehab program, and arranging plane fare to another state, all by myself, in under 14 days, all while waiting to find out if my embryo transplant had taken, was "abandonment". Maybe Richard's just angry that no-one ever did that for him. Well, Paul's family certainly never did that for Paul in the 45 years they watched him go down - but I did. Maybe he's angry because he thought that I would continue to pick up the pieces for Paul for the rest of my life, and now he feels responsible. He should realize he makes his own choices. Maybe I should write back and tell him I feel it's "only right" that he send me a $15,000 check for his half of "picking up the pieces". And that since I'm feeling generous, he can deduct the $200 I gave him as a wedding present, since I don't ask people to return gifts I freely gave. I can only assume that Paul has pissed him off again, and that is why he is trying to take it out on me. That's a family trait of theirs. When in pain, assuage it by inflicting pain on someone else, preferably not the one who caused the pain in the first place. Involve bystanders whenever possible, it distracts from the real issues.
Richard, before the intervention, said that Paul didn't need a 90 day program. And when Paul quit after 28 days, it was me who stuck to my guns. Paul broke the deal, so he didn't get to move back in with me. Yet Richard gave him a place to live, and a job. The chronic enabler. And he thought there was something wrong with me that I didn't just open up the door to Paul and say "all's forgiven". But Richard blamed me when Paul proved he had not changed with the DUI. When Richard told me after the intervention, quote, "Don't worry about Jimmy. I'll get that car back for you" he was lying to my face. Later, after I had to call the State Police and report the car stolen, Richard yelled at me that I had no right. That the car was Jimmy's and that Richard had loaned him the money to get it! Jimmy, for those of you who don't know, is the ex-felon brother who did over two years for multiple DUIs, who has no driver's license, drinks more than any of them and smokes crack(probably while driving too). And it turns out has had a warrant out on him since before my wedding. More enabling on Richard's part. Yet he thinks he's a pillar of proper living. More like a pillar of salt. Let's give cash to a chronic drunk drug addict so he can drive around all fucked up and kill someone. But I was out of line to do whatever I had to do to get the car out of Paul's name and off my car insurance. If it was no big deal, why didn't RICHARD put the damn car in his name? And on HIS insurance? Easier to just call me the cause of all evil, I guess.
When, and if, I do respond, I will take a page from their family trait book, and be BCC-ing a copy to Richard's wife. Involving bystanders. It's always better to see the truth sooner as as opposed to later.

Such turmoil just for a crap-shoot on me

I still have trouble not being angry at him. Or disappointed that he hasn't "stepped up" and tried to make something of himself. I wonder how much of this is my wanting the impossible, and how much is based on how much I did care for him. Probably a mixture of both. Sick, I know. But I just can't turn off the feelings. I still find myself hoping/missing my husband and the future we could have had. I find myself reading about car accidents, or arrests in the paper, and wondering what he had to do with it. At the same time I keep hoping he's found something bigger than himself that humbles him. Something that will remind him, daily, of what joy a simple life can really bring. Then I remember who I'm thinking about, and I realize it was, and is, a pipe dream. It's just such a shame. Wasted potential always is.

I've been doing better for me, all in all. I've been tackling a lot of the projects that were put on the back burner while he was in my life. And it does feel good to accomplish them. I just wish he hadn't been so good at times. It would make my recovery so much easier. I have realized that I'm now gun-shy. I was out one night, socializing and having fun, and then one of the men I had been chatting with asked me out. I believe the look of fear that washed over me must have been palpable. Poor guy. Not his fault - but then I practically (and literally) ran away in fear. So I guess I have a long way to go before I "get out there" again. Which I continually force myself to do. Because when I'm not being social I find myself imagining his salvation (again), and if my getting a second mortgage to send him to rehab wasn't enough of a kick in the ass to turn him around, then there's nothing anyone can do for him. Can you imagine? I've never had anyone put their life in such turmoil just for a crap-shoot on me. And I'd like to think that I'd have the presence of mind to realize it if someone did.

I don't want to socialize with my neighbors, since they all knew him. Both here, and at the beach. Thankfully most don't have the balls to out-right ask. But some have their 10-year-old daughters ask for them. Which is sadder? Paul's present whirlpool of a life, or their gossip-centric future life? Of course, most likely they don't give a hoot at all, and it's just me dealing with overcoming my inadequacy problems. But I still can't stop hoping that he'll show up and really have turned around. Which wish is absurd, in and of itself, because I could never believe him. Granting the clean slate from me is something that must be earned after long hard days of toiling now! Well, off now to do some more toiling on me.............