Pieces Of My Life

Involve Bystanders Whenever Possible, It Distracts From The Real Issues

2008-05-14T19:20:00.005-04:00

Richard, the 11 Stepper, sent me an email. Telling me he wanted a bicycle that he had given Paul, and the wedding present that cost him $500 back, because he feels it's "only right". I haven't responded, but only on the advice of my lawyer, who reminded me that the court will be mailing him the final papers this Friday! Thank God! The last time I heard from Richard was when he called me up on October 18, 2007, the day after his birthday, which birthday also happened to be the day that Paul got fired because he went to jail on a DUI, from the job Richard had convinced his own boss to give Paul. I didn't really expect an apology from Richard. But I also did not expect what he did say. The last words I heard Richard say were to the effect of "Of course I feel ^%$*&*&$ responsible!!!! I'M the one who had to pick up all the *(%*%$&$%$ pieces after YOU abandoned him!!!!" I hung up on him then, but had the courtesy to say that was what I was doing first. The balls on this guy! I guess he feels he doesn't have to ever make amends for the terrible things he does in life while NOT on drugs. And that my organizing, and financing, a $30,000 intervention and 90 day rehab program, and arranging plane fare to another state, all by myself, in under 14 days, all while waiting to find out if my embryo transplant had taken, was "abandonment". Maybe Richard's just angry that no-one ever did that for him. Well, Paul's family certainly never did that for Paul in the 45 years they watched him go down - but I did. Maybe he's angry because he thought that I would continue to pick up the pieces for Paul for the rest of my life, and now he feels responsible. He should realize he makes his own choices. Maybe I should write back and tell him I feel it's "only right" that he send me a $15,000 check for his half of "picking up the pieces". And that since I'm feeling generous, he can deduct the $200 I gave him as a wedding present, since I don't ask people to return gifts I freely gave. I can only assume that Paul has pissed him off again, and that is why he is trying to take it out on me. That's a family trait of theirs. When in pain, assuage it by inflicting pain on someone else, preferably not the one who caused the pain in the first place. Involve bystanders whenever possible, it distracts from the real issues.
Richard, before the intervention, said that Paul didn't need a 90 day program. And when Paul quit after 28 days, it was me who stuck to my guns. Paul broke the deal, so he didn't get to move back in with me. Yet Richard gave him a place to live, and a job. The chronic enabler. And he thought there was something wrong with me that I didn't just open up the door to Paul and say "all's forgiven". But Richard blamed me when Paul proved he had not changed with the DUI. When Richard told me after the intervention, quote, "Don't worry about Jimmy. I'll get that car back for you" he was lying to my face. Later, after I had to call the State Police and report the car stolen, Richard yelled at me that I had no right. That the car was Jimmy's and that Richard had loaned him the money to get it! Jimmy, for those of you who don't know, is the ex-felon brother who did over two years for multiple DUIs, who has no driver's license, drinks more than any of them and smokes crack(probably while driving too). And it turns out has had a warrant out on him since before my wedding. More enabling on Richard's part. Yet he thinks he's a pillar of proper living. More like a pillar of salt. Let's give cash to a chronic drunk drug addict so he can drive around all fucked up and kill someone. But I was out of line to do whatever I had to do to get the car out of Paul's name and off my car insurance. If it was no big deal, why didn't RICHARD put the damn car in his name? And on HIS insurance? Easier to just call me the cause of all evil, I guess.
When, and if, I do respond, I will take a page from their family trait book, and be BCC-ing a copy to Richard's wife. Involving bystanders. It's always better to see the truth sooner as as opposed to later.

Such turmoil just for a crap-shoot on me

2008-05-04T20:56:00.005-04:00

I still have trouble not being angry at him. Or disappointed that he hasn't "stepped up" and tried to make something of himself. I wonder how much of this is my wanting the impossible, and how much is based on how much I did care for him. Probably a mixture of both. Sick, I know. But I just can't turn off the feelings. I still find myself hoping/missing my husband and the future we could have had. I find myself reading about car accidents, or arrests in the paper, and wondering what he had to do with it. At the same time I keep hoping he's found something bigger than himself that humbles him. Something that will remind him, daily, of what joy a simple life can really bring. Then I remember who I'm thinking about, and I realize it was, and is, a pipe dream. It's just such a shame. Wasted potential always is.

I've been doing better for me, all in all. I've been tackling a lot of the projects that were put on the back burner while he was in my life. And it does feel good to accomplish them. I just wish he hadn't been so good at times. It would make my recovery so much easier. I have realized that I'm now gun-shy. I was out one night, socializing and having fun, and then one of the men I had been chatting with asked me out. I believe the look of fear that washed over me must have been palpable. Poor guy. Not his fault - but then I practically (and literally) ran away in fear. So I guess I have a long way to go before I "get out there" again. Which I continually force myself to do. Because when I'm not being social I find myself imagining his salvation (again), and if my getting a second mortgage to send him to rehab wasn't enough of a kick in the ass to turn him around, then there's nothing anyone can do for him. Can you imagine? I've never had anyone put their life in such turmoil just for a crap-shoot on me. And I'd like to think that I'd have the presence of mind to realize it if someone did.

I don't want to socialize with my neighbors, since they all knew him. Both here, and at the beach. Thankfully most don't have the balls to out-right ask. But some have their 10-year-old daughters ask for them. Which is sadder? Paul's present whirlpool of a life, or their gossip-centric future life? Of course, most likely they don't give a hoot at all, and it's just me dealing with overcoming my inadequacy problems. But I still can't stop hoping that he'll show up and really have turned around. Which wish is absurd, in and of itself, because I could never believe him. Granting the clean slate from me is something that must be earned after long hard days of toiling now! Well, off now to do some more toiling on me.............

Memories that never happened

2008-04-17T21:50:00.002-04:00

I have to keep reminding myself that what I think I "miss" actually was never there in the first place. It doesn't happen that often now, but I still catch myself "missing" having a husband around to "look after me" or some such. Then I suddenly remember that I never really had any of those things I think I'm missing, and that somehow, just by my wanting them in my marriage and not getting them, makes me feel that loss as real. Actuality is, it is a loss of having someone concrete you can invest those "someone to look after me" feelings on, and with their loss ,the simple security of having those dreams is gone. (for now)

I know this, yet keep catching myself doing it.

Crackheads, crackheads. Shifty, lying crackheads.

2008-03-26T14:38:00.003-04:00

I thought I would be divorced by now. But my lovely crackhead husband Paul has decided to "contest" the separation date. Just when you think you can't be caught off guard by a crackhead, they manage to do something so bizarre you never see it coming. I didn't expect him to get stupid like this. But now I have to assume that he is hostile. Contesting the separation date only drags it out longer. Now I guess I have to wait and see if he tries to go after my house. Just how spiteful can a crackhead be? Very, it would seem.

The repercussions of a thing like this can go on for years!

2008-02-18T19:58:00.004-05:00

Almost a year since I posted, and I bet you can guess what happened in my life. Yes, I finally gave up hope. Surprisingly, it was actually a lash-out by the sober brother that pushed me to the decision. Sober brother did indeed give Hubby a job, and yes, he ended up regretting his enabling. Hubby screwed up by getting another DUI, and got fired, and was facing felony charges. So what does sober "healthy" brother do? Call ME up at work to scream at me for leaving him to "pick up all the pieces after I abandoned [hubby]" !!!!!! Talk about still having your own issues with addiction! Not my problem if he still feels guilty about all the pain he caused when using. The brother is so very proud of his five years & 12 Steps - but he really only did 11, because he certainly missed the one about being humble and taking "an honest look" at his life. You'd think a sober addict would realize how much a practicing addict will lie to people more than a lay person like me. And why do addicts deserve ANY qualification of what "kind" of addict they are?! Whatever. I feel for his new bride; she'll find out eventually. If I ever mention him again I'll call him the "11 stepper".

Yup, I'm on the fast-track to divorce. I just got too tired of it all. Tired of fighting for my own self esteem, tired of the circular arguments that were really just a ploy used by Hubby to tire me out. Tired of being the only one trying. Tired of being put in second place behind his addictions. Don't get me wrong - I am still struggling with my self-esteem, and unfortunately I think that one will be limping for quite a while yet. I had abandonment issues before, and they are right back up front again. It was only about a month ago that I realized that hubby/addict could not consider me family, or anything he owed any resposibility towards. That when people say things like "I have a family to support," or "My family needs me," I didn't qualify as family in his mind. Simply crushing. No need to find a fancy adjective for that one!

I am regretting the title of this blog because I could continue to write about my daily ups & downs for a long time, yet this says Married to an Addict. That really has been changed for a while a now, even though I'm still waiting on the legality of it all. But the aftermath.......... EGADS! In the words of my Father, "The repercussions of a thing like this can go on for years!"

I have never wanted to prove my father wrong more than now. Wish me luck!

Back from Vacation

2007-05-24T13:59:00.000-04:00

I took a week off for vacation at the beach. With mostly just me. Hubby came down the 1st day to "help me get the boat in the water" and I let him sleep over in another room. The next day I found an empty beer can. I took the opportunity to say everything that I've been holding back, regardless of punishment being a part of the addictive pattern of behavior. I told him that he made a bad decision, and that there ARE consequences. I ranted, I yelled, I hurt him with my comments and I told him to go away. Luckily I only needed one day for me to recoup from the emotional exhaustion that took out of me. I did enjoy the rest of my week. I shopped for me! I bought myself all the things I've been needing and neglecting to get for me. New bras, undies, shirts, summer skirts, jeans, shoes without holes in them, etc. I also got myself a pedicure, a haircut, and I ate well. I put on make-up for the first time in ages. I slept as long as I liked, I didn't answer any phone calls, and I did whatever I felt like doing. I went to some alanon meetings too - and go figure the first one I went to was talking about self-love!

I've been enjoying my reprieve from contact with him. I took this opportunity to spell out that we are indeed separated in an email to his engaged brother who can't understand why hubby isn't living with me, and to express my regret that I will not attend his marriage because of the separation. The brother who screwed up the loan finally called & left a rambling message that never said "sorry." And since I had let slip to his girlfriend that I was at the beach, he shows up at my house while I'm gone to have his kids ride the four-wheeler we let him keep in the garage. These people are not my family. But I'll be more than willing to work out a new arrangement with the loan, now that the locks are changed and I have at least some collateral. I'm sure I'll suddenly hear from him when he figures that one out!

Hubby dropped off a letter Monday in response to my text message "Car insurance yet? EZPass is void." The letter said all the right things. But I don't believe him anymore. I spent Monday removing him from all the remaining "perks" of being my husband. Unfortunately the car insurance isn't so easy. I've got an appointment with a divorce lawyer next Wednesday. I have made up about 90% of my mind. I'm not happy about it, but I see no reason NOT to get divorced. He obviously has not even started to take any rehab seriously, and he's such a hard case that I cannot even see us back on a visitation schedule in six months time. I want to find out if I would lose any ground by not divorcing him now, while it's still been less than a year of marriage. His Case Mgr from his 3 night a week rehab called me - hubby finally signed the HIPPA release. He said almost word for word what hubby put in his letter. Another reason to think he's just parroting what he thinks I want to hear. The Case Mgr was fishing for something, and I don't know what. He said that hubby is finally "surrendering" to his addiction and admitting that he is powerless over it. Asked me if I'd be willing to do some sort of marriage therapy in a month or so. I said I'd be willing, but we'll see where he is in a month. He did tell me that hubby FINALLY got his own apartment! And that Case Mgr is suggesting he have very little contact with me so that he can work on improving himself, and for himself. Duh! I thanked him for asking hubby not to have contact! Like I said, I'm enjoying this reprieve.

So that's were things stand right now. Meet the lawyer next week, and get the rest of his things out of the house. My therapist suggested that I tell him a window of time in which he can come get it, and that I have someone else there as a buffer. I won't put myself through having to pack it all up for him again. And I'm my main priority these days.

Reality Hurts!

2007-05-08T21:34:00.000-04:00

His family pushes my buttons as much as he does! They are all in their own world of discontent, and it yanks my chain when they put it on me! I have every right to take care of myself, and MORE of a duty to that then anything else. I'm sorry they are not at a point where they can see that. That knowledge aside, it still pushes my buttons. I got confirmation of my fears today about one of them. The sober brother is, IMHO, regretting his own decisions to help my hubby, and as a result is starting to be open about his disagreement/misunderstanding of my decisions to set my own boundaries with hubby. I had been suspecting an undercurrent of "Why isn't he living with his WIFE?" Today I got my confirmation of that. Sober brother called to "ask me my opinion" on the possibility of hubby working for his company. I answered honestly, that I thought anything out of the car dealership business would be good for him since it is where he did much of his drugs. But I think he really called to try and find out why I am not letting him live with me because "after all he is your husband!" *sigh* To top it off, the divorced brother (who kicked him out yet is still letting him sneak in late and sleep there), who I co-signed a car loan with back in November, missed his April 20th payment and they called me today. I left him a message, asking if he needs financial help today, and have not heard back yet. Patience, patience.................

I am mad at me for getting so angry at what I already knew! This family is such a mess, and they are not my family. Reality hurts.

Far to go

2007-05-07T19:40:00.000-04:00

I'm not sure what I want to write about today. Things are moving along, and not in a bad way. I think much of that is due to the fact that I'm not living with him, and I wonder how hard that adjustment will be when I'm ready for it. I also have no idea how I'll know when I'm ready for it, if ever. All I know now is that I'm definitely NOT ready yet! In the short times we do spend time together he still gets on my nerves and I find myself hating that I am biting my tongue. When I say something about changing the subject because I'm not comfortable with it, I have gotten the old reactions. Yes, I have to get better at saying what I want, but waiting for him to accept my decisions will be even tougher. He has so far to go. He is all caught up in this new discovery of identifying how he feels, and it will be some time before he learns to listen as well. I listen too much. That is part of my problem. For example, I saw him yesterday. He forgot to pick up some things and called & asked if he could come over and get them. I agreed, yet when he got here (right after a nar-anon meeting) he also wanted to keep talking. I listened for a bit, but then I told him that it was time for him to leave. No explanation, just telling him what I needed. Got the old bad reaction - spoiled selfish rejected child reaction. I didn't get angry at him. I actually laughed and answered his "Why?" with the truth - that I just needed my space now, and he had come to get things, and he had, so it was time to go. It could have been much worse on both our parts. But we had enjoyed our time together, and that is progress.

We had some more drama last week too. That really stressed me out. Thursday he showed up at the house saying he thought he was dying from stress. I was quite calm about it all while he was here. I told him that if he really felt like he was dying that he should go to the emergency room, and if he thought he'd live then he should go to his scheduled rehab that night. That they were much better prepared than me to help him because they've been where he is and could understand. He said he didn't think he could drive in his state. I offered to drive him to either place. After much drama he finally left. Yelling that what he really wanted was a "fucking phone call from his wife!" Thankfully he went to rehab instead of a bar. I wanted to yell back. I didn't. I wanted to say that he couldn't even abide by my boundaries of not calling me Monday through Thursday. That I deserved that minimum of respect. But I knew I'd be wasting my breath, because he was not in a state to hear what I was saying. So even though he sat in his car having an angry fit for five minutes I resisted going out there. Of course, I watched through the shades! But I resisted the thought to drive by & see if his car was at rehab. Instead, I hit my phone list for support. I got every one's voicemail, so I checked my meeting list. Yeah! A meeting in 15 minutes! I got there and got support. And I had return calls later that re-assured me that I'm doing well. That I'm doing what is right for me even though it is hard. That was what I said at the meeting - the hardest part is waiting for me to be able to speak to him and have him hear.

I had put my last post on a bulletin board on another site and got some responses that thought they were being supportive. Basically they said I have a long way to go. I'm sure I do. Who doesn't? But I also believe that I've come a long way in a short time. And it was very good to hear that confirmed from people who have been listening to me at all my meetings, especially after the well-meaning, yet off base responses I received on that web site. And no, I didn't ask these people how they thought I was doing. They said it of their own volition, in response to me being very tough on myself. I'll work on that too. Everyone, even those who are "healthy," have far to go. When you stop going, you stop living.

Be Careful What You Think Of

2007-05-03T11:20:00.000-04:00

Last night the Alanon topic was step 3, giving up your will to a higher power, and how a "quiet place" helps people relax enough to be able to do that in times of stress. As I listened to the stories I realized that there were a lot of senior members of the group who still cannot prevent themselves from rescuing their recurrent alcoholic/addict when they relapse, or become homeless. And how hard it was for a lot of them to even sit in a quiet room. I have always had a knack for finding quiet and letting my mind go. I was wondering where I could be in my recovery since I'm very new to Alanon, and I have already refused to let my hubby move back in after he left rehab. I have set ground rules that he keeps trying to break, and I have resisted my urge to respond to him. I have been doing my best not to worry (just can't turn that off all at once y'know) but I have made myself not get involved in his daily dramas. He is allowed to call me only on weekends, and I will see him once on the weekend. He is allowed to write to me, and of course he has not. And he is not respecting my boundaries because he keeps leaving messages at my house, which I try to ignore. All in all, I thought I was doing well considering.

At 11:30 last night he calls & leaves a message at my house and on my cell, sounding awful, saying "Please call me. It's really important!" My logical side that has been winning lately said - if it's so important how come you can't leave a brief message telling me what it is about? My altruistic side said - but what if (fill in the blank) and he really needs me? So I failed and returned his call, and tried to be tough. I just said "Hi" and then let him do all the talking. Turns out that his divorced brother came home last night and told him to move out, that the recovery brother had told him he could stay there two weeks, and that the two weeks was up. I asked if he had talked to recovery brother. "No." I said nothing, I offered no solutions, suggestions, or support. He did not ask me for anything, but I think he expected me to offer something to help him out. After a pause he said "Nevermind. I'm sorry I called you - I'll just sleep in my car or something." I said "All right then. I'll speak to you over the weekend." There was silence and I was about to hang up when he said, "Wait a minute. What do you think about that?" "About your brother kicking you out?" I asked. "No! About your husband sleeping in a car!" And I said, very honestly, "It really sucks, honey." And he started to cry and repeated my words "Yeah, it really sucks!" Then he did hang up. And called the house again within a minute, but I did not answer. Instead I called a friend I knew would reassure me that I did what was best for ME.

Of course I have all the possible scenarios running through my mind, but so far I'm able to keep them from becoming agitates. Second guessing if I'm being too hard, since from the little I've seen of him in these three weeks he appears to be clean. Reassuring myself that even though he might be clean he is still in major denial, and any help I give him will only hurt me. Refusing to let myself contact either of his brothers to "touch base" and see how he is doing/what he is doing about this. Reminding myself that a responsible person would have been looking to improve his lousy living situation as soon as it started, and therefore would not now be living in his car. Reminding myself that giving him money, or letting him move back in would cause me to resent him and eventually hate him. Reminding myself that it is totally up to him how our future turns out. If he begins to get out of denial then there is hope for us, if he stays in denial then I will be divorced after just six blissful months of marriage. But I will be healthy in any case. I guess today I am a "selfish altruist!"

Hello, I'm Patty and I'm an Altruist.

2007-04-30T16:20:00.000-04:00

More, and more depressed. General malaise. I got very angry at him this weekend because he dared to blame me for his bad mood, and say that my taking time to heal me is a "cop out" and making him hate me. He has some balls on him doesn't he? Classic addict mentality. And it turns out that I am classic codependent. I finally bought the book & started reading it, and the foreword is right on target. Everybody uses the term, yet very few know what it means. I would never have classified myself as codependent! I asked Hubby to ask his rehab group what the definition was & he said "I know what it is!" I told him to ask anyhow. Later he said that it is "a person who is obsessed with another's addiction in order to get their own happiness" -!- I told him there is no happiness in it at all! But that definition is pretty close to what I would have said a week ago. I think tonight at my alanon meeting I'm going to say "Hello I'm Patty and I'm a codependent" just to see if anyone rises to the topic. Like I said, I've only heard the term used, never defined before. Even this book says there is no single definition, and that cases of it can vary greatly in severity. I think a good definition would be "A conscious or subconscious reaction to another's repetitive behavior in which the person progressively neglects their own basic needs and causes psychological damage to themselves." I think it is using words like "obsession" "mutually dependent" and "over-dependence" that make people turn away from the topic. No true codependent would ever say they need their addict to do addictive things for them to survive. After all, the reason they became codependent was because they were over-compensating for their addict. Rationally, they would say they'd be ecstatic if their addict started to do things for themselves. That it would remove stress from their life. I do not like the term codependent. I would much prefer "altruist" or even "obsessive-compulsive altruist." Unselfish concern for others (to the point of neglecting ourselves). It is more user-friendly! It has a much more approachable definition. I think I've found my cause. They say the term codependent developed out of alanon meetings. Therefore I'm going to develope the term "obsessive compulsive altruist" the same way. Besides, it makes people chuckle when I say "I've decided I'm not codependent. I prefer the term 'obsessive-compulsive altruist." Of course half the people in this world have no idea what an altruist is either.

"Then why did he come back here?"

2007-04-26T14:46:00.000-04:00

I realized yesterday that I was feeling down. The topic of the alanon meeting was self esteem & I thought that maybe mine had gotten kicked and that was why I felt down. It really did bother me that my friends felt the need to not just question my decisions but to scold me about it too. And as usual, I listened to them and considered their opinions as being valid, but the end result of that was a lowering of my self esteem. I'm not saying I can't accept criticism; I have been grateful for some criticism in the past. But not with this. I realize that I am being as hard-line with hubby as I can be right now and any more would be hurtful to me. And I need to take care of me!

I saw my new shrink yesterday morning and I like him much more than the one at the "addict mill". Even in that 45 minute introductory session he was sharp enough to point out that my independence is a direct result of my family being preoccupied with things other than me. That this addict situation and the failed IVF are specially painful for me because once again, people are choosing something else over me. That when I always break down crying when I talk about my broken dreams of a family, it is because I think the children would never chose something else over me like my husband did. That my history with past relationships was for me to cut it off after six months before he would have a chance to dump me. It's funny, I always thought of my independence as a good quality! Turns out it may have been holding me back all these years. And he mentioned divorce as a possible outcome that only time will tell.

I got a call from a friend last night (not one that criticizes me!) who said that he'd had a long talk with the brother who hubby is staying with. The brother said hubby is still the same, still taking advantage of every situation. Of course this brother just moved in there too, and finally has a bed that he can sleep in with his girlfriend, and I'm sure in that small trailer he's more than ready for hubby to move out. My friend said that when he ran into hubby that the look of hate he received was obvious. I said I thought that he just wasn't ready to talk to all these people again yet. "Well then why did he come back here?" was the observant response from my friend. Good point. He also told me that I shouldn't let my friends bring me down because they are jealous of me. I don't know about that one! Jealous of me? With an addict/alcoholic husband, and debt to last me past retirement age? My friends must not be too smart if they want what I have!

I am also down because I think I expected something more from hubby upon his return. Maybe an honest talk about how we were living, or an honest talk about what goals he has for the future. He always hated talking/planning for the future, and now I truly believe that his half-conscious goal was to kill himself with a heart attack at 60 just like his father did. He's still not talking honestly. He's still cracking derogatory jokes about his job, and how he's going to manipulate them into giving him a desk again sooner than they want. He's still talking in disjointed sentences where one sentence just stops and another begins, without a pause as if it was actually said. I'll have to try & remember one to give you an example. But anymore I don't allow him to keep talking like that; I stop him and ask that he repeat the story in full sentences so that I'll know what the heck he is talking about. Usually he is talking about something he is showing disdain for, or else a situation he thinks he is going to manipulate to control it. More and more it looks like he is going to fail at being my husband.

Speaking to my husband is "caving"

2007-04-25T16:24:00.000-04:00

I was going to post on this blog every day, but it turns out that I cannot sign in to Google accounts from my home computer. The only difference between my work & home computer is that one uses McAfee and the other has Norton. *sigh* I'm still getting a lot of flack from my girlfriends. It would seem that my speaking to my husband is "caving" and that they believe I am not protecting myself enough from him. They don't seem to realize how detrimental their lack of faith in me is. I don't understand why they are so mad at me for speaking to him. Granted, before when we spoke we were 1,000 miles apart talking on the phone, and now he is in the same state. And yes, I did spend time with him in person this past weekend. The message I hear from them is that I need to be brutally mean to him and refuse ALL communications. And I don't understand why they think that. I am still working very hard on me. He is working on him. We are still separated and I don't know if we'll get back together again. Isn't that tough enough?! "We" are not working on "us" because we have so much individual work to do first. I can't help but wonder if their anger at him for the pain he has caused me is motivating them. Sometimes it really sounds like they just want me to run out and get a divorce, despite the fact that I made the conscious decision NOT to do that when I started planning the intervention. Maybe they think I have not considered the possibility of getting divorced. Believe me, I have. I just haven't shared all that with them. It is so odd. It seems like they feel obligated to "bring me back to reality" when I consider hopeful possibilities, and they don't feel obligated to offer any other opinions when I consider dismal possibilities. I am hoping that between this blog, my therapy, and alanon that I will just be able to not talk to them about my life. Egads! That sounds so sad! Having to restrict topics to anything but me in order to prevent getting picked on by my good friends! What a tangled web we weave.

Mending Fences

2007-04-23T11:31:00.000-04:00

I spent a lot of time with Hubby this weekend, and it was actually enjoyable. I am trying not to get hopeful. I have been down this road of good times after bad before, and I am still convinced that bad will come again and be just like before. We actually talked for the first time in I don't know when. I would ask him questions about how he feels about going back to work, or the fact he's not living at home, and he would actually think about it and answer! Maybe 28 days did help him some. He's staying at his brother's trailer, except he didn't know his other brother was moving in there at the same time. So the sober brother is really not there but living with his girlfriend, and the divorced brother has moved in and has custody of his two kids every weekend in the two-bedroom trailer. Yes, it sucks for Hubby. But I'm still not ready for him to move back in yet. And he did mention, without my prompting, that he might have to get his own place for a while. He started back to work (same job, sigh) on Saturday and he'll be working six days a week from 9A-5P so that he can go to a local rehab program at night from 6P-9PM. So he will be busy with other things than me, or his lousy living situation. It was very good to spend time with him sober, but of course there are still things that got on my nerves. But I'm proud of me - I said something about them right away, whereas before I would not have said anything for God knows how long. He basically did his disappearing act when someone is visiting and he doesn't want to visit. Once, yet another brother showed up unannounced and Hubby just went inside & turned on the TV. I told him that he needs to say something to the guest and not just abandon them for me to deal with, that it's not fair to me or the guest. Then when I had my father over for dinner he just kept running around and never sat down to be social. Again I told him he should just be honest about how he feels and address it, not just avoid the situation. And he apologized both times. But it still bugged me to be educating him about his behavior. I don't want that parental role. Hubby told me that his sober brother came & did a piss test on him one day last week. And Hubby did not get mad when I told him how happy I was to hear that, because it is one of the issues I was struggling with. How could I ever just trust him not to use, and how could we possibly rebuild trust if I'm doing surprise piss tests on him? I'm hoping the brother will keep it up.

Otherwise, I put him to work around the yard this weekend. Got him to tune up the mower & cut all the grass, weekwack, fix the trellises, and help me fix the fences in the backyard. And the whole time we worked on the fences I just kept saying to myself, "I'm mending fences. Good fences make good neighbors. Spring is fence mending time. Fences need tending on a regular basis." It was very symbolic, and therapeutic to be working on the fences. Reminded me that we all need good fences in our lives. That fences can serve many purposes; to keep things out, to keep things in, or just to set a boundary with your neighbor. That you can make a fence with a gate that you can open or close whenever you want, or you can make your fence as low or high as you want depending on how much of the other side you want to see. Fences can make you feel more secure, and fences can also intimidate. And no matter how much care & effort you put into building your fence, it will eventually fall down without regular maintenance.

Who is "Tough Love" tougher on?

2007-04-19T11:49:00.000-04:00

I've been trying to set my boundaries for two reasons. One - to protect myself, and two - to eliminate him relying on me to fix everything. And I just had to wonder if tough love is harder on the person practicing it than on the person receiving it. I'm sure it's pretty close at any rate. Even though I knew what he'd do now that's he's back in town, when it actually happens I can't always detach myself and not react. Of course he's not respecting my boundaries. And I lost control and made a mistake last night and I'm not sure how I will fix it.

Monday was when he first showed up and that is all in my last post. Tuesday he called & left a disjointed message telling me to leave him my jumper cables and I ignored the message. Yesterday he called me at work with the same question & I told him to ask a neighbor. I asked him if he got into a program yet & he said yes. I asked which one and he said he had to go, and hung up. *lies* *sigh* I was very happy to see the car gone when I got home from work yesterday. Then I listened to my phone messages and there were three, all for him. Turns out I forgot to take him off of my AAA account so he used that to start his car. I got so angry I started shaking. I don't want him using a service I got for him when we married! I don't want to get phone messages for him! He's not living with me now! I called & removed him from AAA and sat down to blog until my Alanon meeting. For some strange reason my computer at home will not let me access it unless I turn off ALL security measures. So I'm trying to figure that out when the doorbell rings. I see his brother's truck in the driveway so I opened the door. It's him. again. Looking totally stressed out & high strung. Who knows, maybe he was high. "I need my cell phone. Can I get it?!" I snapped "Can you PAY for it?" Blah, blah, blah the short exchange was typical and stressful. And I screwed up and gave him the cell phone I am paying for. And I yelled at him for "take, take, taking" and never using the words "thank you, or please." "Come on - I'm all stressed out!" he says. "And I'm not?" I snapped back. An entire useless conversation. Didn't conform to any description of tough love, didn't make me feel any better to yell, and certainly didn't do anything for him. And now I feel guilty about getting so unnerved that I basically threw the phone at him just to get him physically out of my space. So, he said he'd pay, but I foolishly gave him the phone before he paid. If I cancel the service it will be $200 for breaking the contract. I'm considering reporting it lost in a week so they'll just turn off that phone. Also just taking him off my car insurance at that time. Question is, do I actually give him a week or not? I really don't expect him to pay me. I told him Monday he'd have to get his own insurance & he said "I had my own insurance!" Of course he doesn't admit that I was paying for that as well. I wonder when I'll be able to forward his mail to an actual address? And why does he keep underestimating me? I'm the one who organized the intervention and rehab, the one who is not letting him back into my home, and the one who called the cops to report that his ex-con brother had stolen our car. Just what does he think I WILL NOT do?

I think tough love is definitely harder on my end. His end is blissfully wrapped up in his protective blanket of self-indulgence. I have to make myself not fall prey to his indulgences. I have to be the hard ass and terminate his previous privileges, and make myself ignore my worry about what could happen while he is driving without insurance, and if he is driving drunk & high. I think I just hit it on the head - ignore my worry. And truly do the tough love. Which means just cancelling everything and not worrying about the consequences. I have to remember that leaving rehab was his decision, and everything that is happening to him right now is a consequence of his decisions.

Straight out of Rehab

2007-04-17T12:45:00.000-04:00

Oh joy, he's back. Yup, straight out of rehab, Hubby is back in town. Showed up at my door after following me home from an alanon meeting. Stood there for way too long wallowing in his own misery, saying over and over, "I love you girl!" and trying to hug me. Well, I cut that short. Stupid man should have stayed in Mississippi where he had food, shelter, and counseling, but no. He knows best. So he's back in town with no money and no place to stay and no job and no rehab. I did cave and let him have the keys to the car I bought him. But he has no house keys.

He couldn't even step outside of himself long enough to say "thank you" for all I've done to try and help him, or "I'm sorry" for all the pain he has caused me. Yeah, yeah, I know. He's still in denial and won't even begin to get to that point until he can be honest with himself. So in the mean time I'll just have to be honest with me. I was very unhappy to see him and I really wanted to just lock the door and not speak to him at all. I managed to maintain control of my emotions though, after all what sort of conversation can you have about the future with an addict in denial and in need? None. I did snap at him when he asked me how much time I would need before I can deal with talking to him. "I don't know, and that is NOT a fair question!" was my response. Right now I want nothing to do with him. I want to pretend he is still in rehab in Mississippi. I want him to write letters to me, and me to him. I do not want to talk on the phone to him more than 15 minutes a week. I don't want any updates from his brothers; they have already shown me that they have other priorities - but that's another post.

Right now I don't know if I even want to forgive him and try to mend our marriage. I don't feel like I have it in me, and seeing him wallow last night was certainly no incentive! He's all wrapped up in his needs and his desire to fix things instantly. And for me to punish him for what he has done, so that after he's punished then all will be forgiven and his old life will be back. I'm done playing his Mother. I wanted a husband I could count on, not a 46 year old toddler. So when he does something stupid I don't yell or react anymore. I just think about how that decision might affect my life, and if I need to do anything to protect me. And since he's out of the house and can't touch my money I am relatively protected. So my reaction is none. I think he really wanted me to get angry and yell & scream at him about all the pain he has caused me last night. But I didn't, and as a result he had nothing worthwhile to say. In essence I took his script away. Now, if I can just keep this up!

I'm scared at the length of time these wounds of mine will take to heal. I'm scared that I am now officially separated. Stupid addict didn't stop to think about that, did he? If he'd stayed two more months in rehab then we would not be "separated" but now that he's back in DE and I'm keeping him locked out, we are. I hope that one sinks in on him when I'm no where near him! He's still the addict in everything he does even if he's the healthiest he's been in years. He wants instant gratification, a quick fix, a short cut, an exception for him. He wants to manipulate everything, and as long as he can manipulate one thing then he'll believe he is still running the show. Will he ever realize that he has no audience?

If I was an addict, I'd have help in under 24 hours!

2007-04-16T14:14:00.000-04:00

I got married to Hubby 8 months ago after a 3 year relationship. We fell madly in love when we first met, and he basically moved in at that time. Six weeks ago, after all the clues I previously ignored, I found his crack paraphernalia and admitted that I was married to an addict. Yeah, he's also an alcoholic, and I knew that, and I still married him. Well short story, I did an intervention & he agreed to go to a 90 day program - and he left it yesterday after 28 days. Says he's going to stay with his brother since I told him I'm "not ready for him to come home."

I was unable to seek help for me for the first two weeks because I was so busy planning the intervention (organizing grown men is harder than getting chickens to walk in a straight line!)and because I was still in shock. But I had received two names of therapists from the interventionist, and I did set up appointments with both of them. I met the first one, a "licensed & certified social worker"(LCSW) one week after Hubby left. What a disaster! She was openly appalled that I had taken out a second mortgage to pay for his rehab "thirty thousand dollars is an awful lot of money to spend on someone else," told me to talk to a divorce lawyer because "when drugs are involved you can get a divorce in 30 days," and of course what bad therapy session would be complete without the inevitable "why do you think that is?" I at least had the presence of mind to tell her that I could get all this 'tsk,tsk' advice from my girlfriends without having to pay $95. Basically, I believe she pre-categorized me before she ever met me, and she certainly did not bother to ask me why I was seeking therapy. But I did not get to that realization until I woke up at 3AM that night sobbing uncontrollably. And I did not stop for four days.

The appointment with the other referral was a week and a half away, she was also not on my insurance and would cost $125. I began trying to wade through my insurance provider list to get something sooner. All this time I have been attending Alanon, and I began to realize that all the anger, sadness, distrust and love I was feeling towards my Hubby did not require a "family of the addicted" specialist. But the provider list might as well have been in German. I finally figured out that I should look under "Behavioral Health" but then I had to chose from categories that had no definition, and when I called member services, even they could not tell me what the difference in treatment was between a CRN, Master's Prepared Therapist, Social Worker, Psychology, or Psychiatry/Neurology. So I just started calling offices. One program, which is the largest in my area, said they were not accepting any new patients at this time. That knocked about one third of the providers off my list. The second largest in the area said they were in the process of moving their headquarters and that I should call out-of-state to see if any of their offices could take me sooner than three months. By this time I was calling individual providers and the answer was always the same - there is a wait list minimum of three months. It didn't matter if I called them crying, or if I had myself together enough to explain my situation rationally - I was going to have to tough it out alone until their schedule allowed for me.

Well, I've never been one to quit (even if I do have a hard time asking for help sometimes), so I decided to try getting help through my primary doctor. This was on my fourth straight day of sobbing while driving to work, at work, while driving home, while walking the dogs, while doing anything, and not sleeping or eating. So I called his office sobbing and believing I was having a nervous breakdown, and they had me in to see him the next day. He prescribed Lexapro & Xanax for me, and got me a psychiatrist appointment for two weeks out. The Lexapro helped a lot, but it was too strong for me & I hated the fuzzy feeling so I stopped taking it after a week. I foolishly cancelled the $125 therapist. And kept looking forward to my shrink appointment.

That appointment was this past Thursday, a mere six weeks since my ordeal began. When I saw the office I already had misgivings. In a lousy neighborhood with trash in front of the building. When I walked in I felt like I was in the NYC unemployment office (yes I have been there too). I had arrived at 3PM for a 3:30PM appointment figuring there was paperwork to fill out. As I waited until 5PM to see the shrink I repeatedly heard the receptionist tell everyone on the phone that they "typically run about an hour behind schedule." I started to feel sorry for myself (again) while sitting on hard back chairs in a cold waiting room with no reading materials and court-ordered patients coming in, and out, before me. But I was desperate for help, any kind of one-on-one help! After all I had been going it alone for six weeks, my husband had already been in rehab for almost a month, and I was still struggling to get a damn therapy session! I only had 90 days total with him gone to work on me, and the health system has wasted 30 of them.

Finally I get in and, of course, start sobbing again as we go over the basics. Much to my surprise, the shrink says, "I think therapy would be good for you. Would you like to do therapy?" I told her that I thought she was going to be therapy. "Oh no, I just oversee medications." I am very proud that I did not leap over the desk and throttle that woman. And when I explained that I needed to start therapy yesterday she didn't help, and my appointment is another two weeks out. And she actually was asking ME what sort of medication I'd like to be on and how many MILLIGRAMS I wanted!!!!!!!!!!! I am still debating reporting her. What if I'd been a drug seeker?

So here it is 29 days after Hubby left for rehab. He quit the program yesterday. Today I was determined to get help this week. I'll be damned (literally) if I'm going to patiently wait for the system to fit me in when I know Hubby will be knocking on my door this week! So today I called those same providers again and refused to take no for an answer. I got dramatic and I cried. And I have a therapy session TOMORROW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I just pray it's not like the shrink visit that wasn't. But finally I'll be able to start working on me instead of just reacting to his life. And not a second too soon. At least while he was out of state I could control how much interaction I wanted to have with him. Now I want to prevent myself from being a victim of his needs. Wish me luck!