Far to go

I'm not sure what I want to write about today. Things are moving along, and not in a bad way. I think much of that is due to the fact that I'm not living with him, and I wonder how hard that adjustment will be when I'm ready for it. I also have no idea how I'll know when I'm ready for it, if ever. All I know now is that I'm definitely NOT ready yet! In the short times we do spend time together he still gets on my nerves and I find myself hating that I am biting my tongue. When I say something about changing the subject because I'm not comfortable with it, I have gotten the old reactions. Yes, I have to get better at saying what I want, but waiting for him to accept my decisions will be even tougher. He has so far to go. He is all caught up in this new discovery of identifying how he feels, and it will be some time before he learns to listen as well. I listen too much. That is part of my problem. For example, I saw him yesterday. He forgot to pick up some things and called & asked if he could come over and get them. I agreed, yet when he got here (right after a nar-anon meeting) he also wanted to keep talking. I listened for a bit, but then I told him that it was time for him to leave. No explanation, just telling him what I needed. Got the old bad reaction - spoiled selfish rejected child reaction. I didn't get angry at him. I actually laughed and answered his "Why?" with the truth - that I just needed my space now, and he had come to get things, and he had, so it was time to go. It could have been much worse on both our parts. But we had enjoyed our time together, and that is progress.

We had some more drama last week too. That really stressed me out. Thursday he showed up at the house saying he thought he was dying from stress. I was quite calm about it all while he was here. I told him that if he really felt like he was dying that he should go to the emergency room, and if he thought he'd live then he should go to his scheduled rehab that night. That they were much better prepared than me to help him because they've been where he is and could understand. He said he didn't think he could drive in his state. I offered to drive him to either place. After much drama he finally left. Yelling that what he really wanted was a "fucking phone call from his wife!" Thankfully he went to rehab instead of a bar. I wanted to yell back. I didn't. I wanted to say that he couldn't even abide by my boundaries of not calling me Monday through Thursday. That I deserved that minimum of respect. But I knew I'd be wasting my breath, because he was not in a state to hear what I was saying. So even though he sat in his car having an angry fit for five minutes I resisted going out there. Of course, I watched through the shades! But I resisted the thought to drive by & see if his car was at rehab. Instead, I hit my phone list for support. I got every one's voicemail, so I checked my meeting list. Yeah! A meeting in 15 minutes! I got there and got support. And I had return calls later that re-assured me that I'm doing well. That I'm doing what is right for me even though it is hard. That was what I said at the meeting - the hardest part is waiting for me to be able to speak to him and have him hear.

I had put my last post on a bulletin board on another site and got some responses that thought they were being supportive. Basically they said I have a long way to go. I'm sure I do. Who doesn't? But I also believe that I've come a long way in a short time. And it was very good to hear that confirmed from people who have been listening to me at all my meetings, especially after the well-meaning, yet off base responses I received on that web site. And no, I didn't ask these people how they thought I was doing. They said it of their own volition, in response to me being very tough on myself. I'll work on that too. Everyone, even those who are "healthy," have far to go. When you stop going, you stop living.